Unoriginal New Year's List (Please Don't Hate Me)

It's about time for the New Year, and in my lazy mind, that means it's time for a Wrap Up list- which is kinda silly, because how can you summarize a year into ten little sentences? I can't. But I'll try. Just for you. Because I love you all. Or at least three of you. Also, I decided to make this list about things pertaining to romance and LGBT-related things. Because this is an LGBT blog. Or at least it tries to be.

Things I Learned This Year

The rainbow is the boring part not making your eyes bleed.

1. Sexuality, gender identity, and romantic identity are varied, colorful things that are super flexible, very interchangeable and extremely interesting.  It's a kaleidoscope, not just a rainbow. Which is awesome. This year, I've met a multitude of people trying to figure out who they like, how they like these people, and who they themselves are. Do they like men or women or trans or queer-gendered peoples? Do they want to fuck them, or fall in love with them, or just cuddle? Do they like more than one person at a time, and can that work? Are they the gender they thought they were, or are they really the opposite? Maybe none of those definitions fit them, and they realize they're queer. And then we have the whole "what word do I want to use thing" but I'll hit that in its very own post... Here's my point. Rainbows are the international sign of the LGBTTQ community, because it shows all these lovely colors and represents that sexuality exists in a spectrum (or that's how I've always heard it). But sexuality and identity is not just a gradient or continuum- it's a kaleidoscope. You mix and match until you have finally reached what you are, what you see yourself as and how you're comfortable. Some people can look at the rainbow and point at a place and say, "yep, I'm a bi-guy. Bisexual, biromantic, monogamous, cis-gendered male!" But there's a lot of people who look at it and say, "hmm. I'm a cis-gendered female, I think, for now. No wait, I think I'm more queer-gendered. I'm interested in women-sexually, and I'm panromantic. I think." I don't think that's the best way to illustrate my point- but I'm not sure how. The world isn't made of gays, lesbians, bis, and straights. Even if you add trans, it's still too narrow. It's made up of all these little hue-differences and color contrasts and every single person is always changing, and every single person is different and different in how they change. We all our own little kaleidoscopes, and we make up the LGBT community, which is its own kaleidoscope, and that fits into the world which is the biggest and most complex and beautiful kaleidoscope we can't even imagine. That's why the world is so fucking awesome! 

Go to this shop and wallow in color.

2. I'm gay. Or something like it. And my sexuality isn't nearly as simple as I wish it could be. I entered 2011 as a bi-girl with a boyfriend who I did love, I think. Maybe it's more accurate to say I wanted to love him because he loved me. And in the extremely messy confusing carnage of our relationship bursting into flames, I decided I must be gay. I knew I wasn't all that sexually interested in men, and not all that romantically interested. But later, I began wondering- I find some men attractive. Am I aesthetically attracted to men, then? Maybe. Some I would maybe date. Am I bi? Nope. Right now, I'm calling it "homoflexible" with every aspect- way more interested in women sexually and romantically, but for a very few men, I could swing the other way too (for the record, I'm looking at this as the gender they identify as. And I'm nearly always attracted to queer-gendereds). I'm probably polyamorous, but that's in theory. The whole thing is a giant question mark that I alternately am obsessed with understanding and trying to ignore.

3. I love my friends more than I love my boy/girlfriend- and that teaches me that I want a strong friendship in my next relationship. Let's face it, having someone to snuggle and kiss and hold hands with is really super nice. But this year, I realized that the most important thing to me is my friends. And when the person I'm snuggling has issues with the people I love, well, they're the ones to go. There was more to that break up than "She had issues with my friends" but for some reason, that's what really cemented it for me. Not that I was being manipulated and hurt, or that she was jealous of everything in my life, but that she wanted to ditch my friends and stop loving them for her. They have been there with me in my darkest moments- which I have had a lot of this year- and I would do anything to be with them for theirs. I love my friends, and even if the sun literally shone out of a girl's ass, if she didn't get why my friends are important to me, she either needs to figure it out or leave. Immediately. I want a girlfriend who I love because we've got more than a physical connection- I want to be friends with her and build on that. And it took three terrible relationships for me to figure that out, because I'm pretty much an idiot.

4. I can be alone and I am happy that way. Picturing yourself alone in the future isn't something to be ashamed of. No, really. Since I was a little kid, I imagined me doing super awesome things- doing book-signings, opening the best bookshop ever, opening the best bakery ever, helping people, whatever else- and I thought about doing every single one of those things with no husband (or wife). Even when I was with someone, it took real effort to imagine a life with them. But they said they imagined one with me, so I claimed I did to. This is a theme in my life- I was always ashamed that I never really imagined a wedding. So I pretended I did. I'm not talking just as a kid, this still happens- even in my last relationship, I only once could imagine actually living with her. I tell myself that if I'm meant to be with someone in the forever way, it will come naturally and I won't have to try to imagine it. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But why am I so ashamed that I don't really think of weddings and rings? I'm independent, stubborn and kinda insane. I think of doing these dreams and living alone above my bakery/bookshop because it's my dream, not someone else's. I didn't come up with this goal with someone else, it's all mine. When I think of my life, it's mine, not tied entirely with someone else's, and I wouldn't be upset if it were someday. But right now, I don't imagine being with anybody in the soulmate way, and for me, right now, it works. Because I'm happy, and I'm not Forever Alone, and I don't ever feel like I could be.


5. I will never be able to satisfactorily define myself, and I am constantly changing in nearly every way. It's not that I'm all that confusing, as much as I joke about it. I bet to a lot of people, I'm pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, I don't see myself from that lens, I have to look at me from the inside, and that view is pretty confusing. I do confuse people, but mostly, I'm the one who is really and truly confused. Yet, I'm starting to get comfortable with it- I don't really know what I'm going to be thinking today or how I want to do things tomorrow, but I know a few things about me just won't change, even though nearly everything else is on a fluid scale. Trying to define myself isn't what I should be trying to do, at least not right now, and not in a concrete way.

6. Being friends with an ex is actually not that hard in practice. In fact, it's much easier than dating them. I've tried several times to be friends with my exes, and it both failed for different reasons. The first, we simply drifted apart- we had both changed so much that we didn't have enough to be friends anymore. Good guy, though. The second... well, a friendship with him is very one sided, and our relationship was too. He rules every conversation and never asks how you're doing. It's hard to give a damn about someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Plus, there's a lot of regret about the whole thing on my side, and probably on his too. That can't help. But now, my last ex- we should have been friends. We shouldn't have dated, we should have been friends. I can see that, and so can she. It was a rocky friendship at the beginning (me and my friends were all pretty sure she was trying to get me as a fuck buddy), but now, we're both comfortable in it, and neither of us wants more of the other than friendship.That's nice.

7. Love is one of those things that can't be defined easily, and it's also one of those things that can send me into an animated thirty-minute long rant. (That may or may not happen on here in the near future). Any more explanation will be done in the form of it's own blog post.

8. Never try to date someone who has the opposite music taste of you. It may not end the relationship, but it sure as hell won't help. Nothing else to say on that one.

My gaydar was broken in the box it came in.

9. Gaydar may not be something you're born with, but it's not an easy skill to learn either. Unless you happen to be one of those magical people who has a gaydar even though they have no good reason to need on (I'm looking at you Bestie. It's so not fair.). I've been working on mine and all, but it's still hit or miss. I go based on how they dress or act and such. Bestie pointed me out as totally gay when I was still passing as straight to pretty much everyone else.

10. If you think you've untangled your life, you are very wrong. And that's not all that bad. Lives are meant to be messy and tangled. As long as the knot isn't in your chest, your throat, or your head, you'll be okay.

According to google, all kings smoke. Also,
they are all fashion models with pompadours
and no five o'clock shadow.

And that's it. I learned other things, too, I guess, but they aren't worth mentioning. I do feel like I'm leaving this year better than I entered it, and I'm ready to learn more. I'm more confident, and I've made so many mistakes that now I'm more prepared to not make the same ones again. So, here's some resolutions for 2012-

1. Don't say you "I love you too" unless you do, even if it might hurt them. Don't get caught up in the moment, and don't feel pressured to lie or they'll get hurt- get caught in that pressure, and both of you will be ripped to shreds later.

2. Don't let people make your decisions for you. It's your life, and what works for you and the lessons you need to learn are different from anyone else's.

3. Drag it up, babes.

Update and the Beginning of A Long and Fruitful Era (maybe)

Well, hello ladies and gents. May I pour you a drink? Are you enjoying the fireplace? I hope you like Barry White. His voice makes me feel all tingly inside.

So, I've been away and it made me sad in my cardiac muscle. I'm still a little messed up in the head, and that is why the lovely Geekette has agreed to edit this, or at least make sure I'm not as much of an idiot.

I don't have a review today, but I'm working on a few for the coming weeks. No, sexy people, today is more of a mish mash of things. Not even the emo-mopey things, just thoughts.

So, lots has been happening since October, but there's only a few things of note. Firstly, my various maladies are getting fixed, and weirdly, that's causing a change in my personality and state of mind. Second, since I'm not in school, my conversation has ended up being with a few extremely awesome people, as opposed to a vast amount of mediocrity. Third, oh my golden Jesus nipples, I absolutely cannot stand living with my parents for this long.

As conversations are wont to do, some of mine have got me thinking. A conversation with Geekette has made me think more about LGBTQ authors, artists, and film directors, and how they choose to portray the gays. Whether stereotypes are followed, how they might be subverted, what actors portray what roles and how filming techniques or writing styles can really reveal what the director or author was thinking about the whole thing. This fascinates me, because everything can be interpreted in so many ways. Maybe a stereotype is used out of ignorance, or maybe it's because that's the only way an audience can understand. Maybe that stereotype is being used in a realistic way, because some gays can be stereotypical, or is it being used as a hollow shell? What if the character is following a stereotype, but doesn't actually fit the stereotype, leading to an interesting self-discovery idea? See, this is why I try not to watch movies with people. I drive them absolutely fucking crazy. Exception being Geekette.

Because I am a young adult, and as such am completely self-centered, I began to consider how this effects me. When I first came out, I slipped into a lot of stereotypes, some of them out of genuine interest, some out of a sense that I should be the stereotype, and some from "why the hell not?" And since then, there's been a lot of fucking around on my part- I try things, change styles, make ridiculous decisions and am in general ridiculous. I don't fit very many stereotypes on a surface, surprisingly. Most people who meet me have no idea how to take me. I can watch the thoughts on their faces as easily as the clouds in the sky. It's sometimes easier for me to dress like a dyke, and put an exclamation point on all my dykey interests- "See my flannel? My big ass combat boots and cargo pants? I like to build things, and and do yard work and I like really big dogs! I can punch and wrestle with the guys and I'm not the one hurting!" But I also like wearing skirts and heels and frilly things, and that shows off the girly side- "I love makeup and doing my nails! I can do your hair and watch any chick flick! I sew and bake and love fluffy kitties and shiny things!" All those things are true, and in the end, I'm in a weird place. I fit a lot of stereotypes, at the same time. I dance along the border of stereotypes, but at the same time, I'm not androgynous, either.

This morning, I've summed up myself as such- I am both a drag queen and a drag king.

I was talking with another friend about masculine clothing and identity- gender bending and all that fun stuff. And I want to try (I love men's clothing) but at the same time, I could see myself dragging as a queen, too. I like the idea of impersonating every feminine thing on earth as exaggeratedly possible, connecting with the inner princess inside who's full of blushing and batting eyelashes, but I also want to connect with my inner manly man, someone who wears really good hats, a nice vest and suit, and a damn good tie. How does one deal with this? I've tried dressing as I'd like to- bizarre as the differences may be, to me it seems comfortable and a good idea to be fluffy girl one day and masculine the next- but that is difficult because people don't really understand it. Hell, they don't even understand the girlishness of me, let alone that I can be masculine too. At home, I tone both sides down as much as possible, because if I don't, I tend to alarm my dad.

Being a stubborn bitch, I'm almost taking it as a challenge. I've gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it would really be all that bad to confuse people some more. Sure, I might be a walking rainbow flag as it is (though I've sure as hell seen gayer people than me), but if I'm not having fun with my clothes, then what's the point? No point at all. After all, clothing is nothing more than decoration, at most advertisement. What I advertise is "there's more than meets the eye." Or, "She might be really fucking weird at first, but at least she's amusing!"

Update!

Well hello, party people. It's been a long time, hasn't it? And there's damned good reason this time, I promise. This is the first time in over a month I've felt good enough to try to write a blog.

Here's what happened- Around the first week of October, I hit my head, got a concussion, and because I've hit my head way too many times in the past, suffered pretty bad post-concussive syndrome. It still hadn't gone away when I hit my head again. At this point, we're reaching pretty ridiculous amounts of suck. Anyhoo, I had to leave school, am back home in the land of lame, and I need to stop writing this before I get sick again.

Eventually, I'll be back with awesome reviews and stuff!

Music Review- Bratmobile!

*Cough* Not that this review took me over a month and a half or anything. Okay, here's the thing, I may love riot grrl and all, but it is a sometimes treat. Much like eating forty-four cookies, too much riot grrl gives you a stomach ache and a headache that just won't go away. Plus, reviews are fun and interesting, but also a pain in the ass. Plus, all the research I've done on certain dykons makes it difficult to have none lesbo-related conversations with me, and issue I am attempting to fix.

Wow, this is so nineties. So, incredibly awesomely nineties.

Bratmobile is one of the original riot grrl bands, right up there with Bikini Kill. Just like Bikini Kill, there's a huge emphasis on screaming lyrics, pounding beats, clashing sounds, and nearly impossible to hear lyrics. I had to listen to everything at least twice, while looking at lyrics. The effort is almost worth it, though- while the lyrics are very repetitive, they're also kind of fun, in that violent snarky way that I happen to love. Like any band that's been around for twenty years, they've developed and changed.

Pottymouth, 1993. "Panik", "Cool Schmool", "No You Don't"
This is the most raw we see Bratmobile- vicious screaming balanced by quiet moments, and a feeling of girl power in a "Don't mess with me, I'll fuck you up" way (speaking of Girl Power, we're going to get to the Spice Girls soon. Muhahah.) These girls come off as being really... cool, actually. Like if you hung out with them, you'd probably end up doing something very feminist and possibly illegal, and you would love it. "Cherry Bomb" is probably the best known song off this album, and it's snarky in a good way, but I didn't choose it as a top song because I think the others were more interesting to me. "Panik" is one of those that I think it's pretty easy for everyone to identify with- an ode to the straightest girl in town, who's also the hottest girl in town. "Cool Schmool" taunts and boasts at the same time, and the beginning is so catchy that I often sing it to myself like a little theme song. "No You Don't" is a song about an uneven relationship- the singer is more interested in the relationship and is frustrated that the other person doesn't care about fixing it. The lyrics are pretty amazing, and the style goes between singing to what sounds like snippets of conversation, and is my favorite song on the album.

The Real Janelle, 1994. "Brat Girl", "Yeah, Huh?", "And I Live in a Town Where Boys Amputate Their Hearts"
This is an album that needs to be listened to in order, because it works best that way. The EP takes us through emotions and differing energies in an interesting way, and it makes you want to listen again and again. The tone has changed a bit- less snark, more screaming- but it's still very listenable. Though "Die" is hard to listen to more than once, just because of all the screaming.

Ladies, Women, and Girls, 2000. "It's Common (But We Don't Talk About It)", "You're Fired", "Affection Training".
This album is much more verbose than the others- there's more lyrics, and the songs are a bit longer, too. Even though this is their first album after a hiatus, the energy is still raw and the tone is still incredibly snarky. I love that about riot grrl music- time may go by, but these girls don't mellow out with age.
However, after listening to this much, it all... well, it all begins to sound very very similar. That makes the last song of the album incredibly refreshing, "Girlfriends Don't Keep". It's a soft and bittersweet song about the expiration dates of lady-friends. This would probably make a good breakup song, actually.

Girls Get Busy, 2002. "Shut Your Face",  "What's Wrong With You?", "Take the Pain and Use It".
This album really feels more settled- they know the routine, the songs and the lyrics are all patterned with no real surprises. They've become comfortable. That's not to say this feels aged or boring- Girls has all the energy we're used to, the only difference is less experimentation.  All the above songs are politically and socially charged, but in a good way, especially with "What's Wrong", which states that they wouldn't be known as man-haters if some men weren't such easily hated assholes. And it's true. Just because you hate one guy who won't stop hitting on you doesn't mean you have blind hatred for all men. Duh.

Honestly, after The Real Janelle, Bratmobile isn't nearly so interesting to me. I listen to those first two albums all the time, but I tend to forget Ladies and Girls even exist- they just aren't really the music I love from Bratmobile, and there aren't any real standout tracks from those albums.  Check them out for yourself, and I heavily encourage you get the first album- it's definitely the most fun of them all!

Frequent Dyke-Spotting in the Wilds

I am doing my super duper best to be a good little girl and not fuck myself up more than I already have. I am trying to stay out of love, flirtations, crushes, obsessions, and any kind of relationship. I am so bad at that. It's not my fault! The world is against me.

Aaand my campus is absolutely filled with gorgeous dykes in all types and flavors. That makes it so hard to resist! You can easily say no to ice cream when your only option is vanilla, but I'm at Baskin Robins and I am on a diet. Sniff.

Also, I am so good at crushes. I can develop them in a second. Then I continue, then I try to force myself to not like them (sometimes successfully, sometimes not).

So I've told myself that I can look, but I can't flirt. Sometimes I get caught looking. Oops. (She looked back, so it's fine. And I actually met her that evening, and it wasn't even awkward.) So my problem of too-many-flavors has become something I thought I should blog about. Why? Because I can, that's why. Ha. First off, I do have a crush on a girl, because she's cool and pretty, and everything I want to be, as well as everything I want. I met her girlfriend, and  thought meeting her girlfriend would make it stop, but now I just have a crush on both. And an intense OMGLet's-Be-Friends feeling too, because they are that cool. My only hope now is that they think I'm cool too, except I'm not, so I'll just go back to the uncool person hole where I belong.

Classic Lipstick. Also, classically beautiful.

Here's a summary of the different kinds of lesbian abound on this particular campus. Now, we have a lot of students, but we also have far more dykes than percentages would normally allow. I believe this is because A) We're a liberal college, B) I hang out in the artsy/Englishy areas and there are so many lesbians there and C) I eat breakfast at the vegan-friendly/organic dining hall. Who likes organic? Dykes like organic.

Lipstick Lesbians/High Femmes- Hot fucking damn. These girls are rare, but amazing. The girl I was checking out? High femme. If you don't know what these terms mean (surely you do. That's what Effing Dykes is for), lipstick and high femme are the girls who you can't tell are lesbians. They paint their nails, wear high heels and skirts, do their hair and full make-up every day, and are usually pretty ladylike. They are feminine to the extreme, and usually don't fit in with many lesbian stereotypes. I can't make generalizations on their personalities though, because it's easier to generalize looks than personalities. That goes for all the following types, too.

I would say there's actually quite of these floating around on campus, but they're hard to spot, especially if you don't have great gaydar (like me). Bi girls are often mistaken for lipstick. But not they're not, because they're bisexual damnit!

Baby Dyke- My friends call me this, but I'm not, not really. Baby dykes probably just came out of the closet, and they are completely embracing their new identities. You see brand-new buzzed/shaved heads, mohawks, and enough flannel to outfit all the lumberjacks ever. Baggy jeans and skate shoes are also a favorite of these girls. Most are either in your face or completely shy. Catch a baby dyke looking you up and down, and she'll either nod and smile, or she'll turn beet red and look down. (That's not from experience, that's observation.)

Okay, this isn't a baby dyke. But so pretty!

Our campus is teeming with baby dykes, especially now. They've had a couple of months to realize/confirm/come out that they're gayelles, and now they want to prove it. Baby d yke is a phase- that's not a slam, it really is just a phase, because you get a little older and more confidant in your style and sexuality and adapt a different style. And if you do like the new look, you become a butch girl. Baby dykes are adorable, but they're so self-conscious and scared. I was a baby dyke for awhile- though I didn't shave my head, and my baby dyke phase actually happened when I was still "bisexual".

Butch- I love these girls, and they know it. They have to know it. My head swivels like an owl when there's a butch girl around. This is because they are so gay, even I (with my shitty gaydar) can tell it. Now, most college butch girls are a little... er, cooler than most butch girls in the wild. These girls know how to dress. They like bright colors and good shoes. They cute their hair short (this is pretty much a must. You very rarely see a butch with shaggy hair) and have more hair gel than I do. I assume they have some kind of memo about where the good jeans, hoodies, jackets, and messenger bags are, because you never see them look bad in any of those things.

Clea Duvall, Dykon and fetch.

We have soooo many of these girls, and they are daily temptations. Not that there's any chance- but they definitely make me want to flirt/embarrass myself. I always allow myself one good look per butch girl though- they have to know they're getting attention, and damn, they want it. Especially my kind of attent- No! BAD! *cough* I'm on a butch girl diet! I'm on an all girl diet! No fish for me! The girl to the right is Lyndell Montgomery, the musician, and the best example of college butch I could find. Even though she's not in college.

Fetch/Futch/Bluejean/Chapstick Lesbian- Meeeeee! These are the girls that you just can't pin down. We mess with your head. This can be done in two ways, as far as I can tell. You've got the girls who every day, perfectly mix femininity and masculinity to perfect the fetch (femme + butch) look. It can be done in any way, but it's always just right! I can't describe that kind of fetch outfit, though, because I don't wear my style like that. I mess with my style everyday, some days looking very butch (cargo jeans with combat boots, tank top, dog tags, and fedora) or very femme (skirt, heels, cleavage, jewelry). Most of the time, I mess with both, because I'm lazy. Heels and jeans, skirt and combat boots, skinny jeans and baggy shirt, anything I goddamn want.

There's a lot of girls like this on campus, and it's awesome. There's a girl I see on the way home from class and she never is dressed in the same style, and I admire it. She just couldn't care less what she's supposed to look like, and I think more people- gay and straight- are beginning to dress for themselves. Of course, it's assumed we all dress for ourselves, but sometimes you turn down that blue dress or crazy heels because you don't usually wear things like that and you don't want to be judged, by your friends, your potential mates, and yourself. But now we've got fashion icons that don't give a shit, so we follow their lead.

Also, I'm just too lazy to look for something just right. I take clothing that I've had for years and mix it up out of boredom, because I don't have the time or money to buy new things to mix it up.

So those are the most frequent types of fagette you'll find on my college campus. You'll note that there aren't any bull dykes, bois, or lumberjack lesbians listed. That's because I think they're very very rare here. But they exist- and I'll get to that next post, a listing of the most noticeable gayelles I've seen so far.

But I'm a Cheerleader!

Okay, so I left off the reviews because I'm super lazy, and back in school, it's hard to find the time to watch/ listen/ research and write. But then I got an email from someone saying they missed the reviews, asking when they would be back. And that is how reviews came back into being.

"I'm a homosexual!" As is life, the fun in "But I'm a Cheerleader" begins with those words. I love this movie so much, and I always have. I watched it first with Ms. Biffle, and she already knew the words. Since we missed the first part, she summarized it, complete with interpretive dance.

I personally believe this movie should be required for all baby dykes within the first month of watching. I watched it before I came out, and I was awkwardly attempting to be all lusting after my current boyfriend and avoid liking her. At this point, we were consciously avoiding romantic situations and any physical contact- seriously closeted, basically. I spent my nights awake, wondering if I could go on like that, if I should come out or just keep trying to be straight. I really needed this movie, because I needed to laugh at my situation, needed to see overdramatic reactions I probably wouldn't get, and I really needed to see some cheesey, super-saturated rainbow love prevail.  That's why I say baby dykes need to see it- after coming out of the stinky closet, you need to remember to laugh. You need to remember that decisions should be your own, and you should do what's right for you. You need an absurd reminder that not all girls wear pink and you can be a cheerleader and a lesbian. You need a reminder that gender roles and sexuality are so much more complex than the heteronormative world really lets people know. It also reminds you that there isn't one way to be a lesbian, and the movie says so in so many words.

In fact, one of the most touching moments is when Jan, the bull dyke, suddenly realizes she isn't a lesbian. It was a bit of an eye opener, and you really feel for her.

After watching this again- more than a year later after the first time- I can laugh at it more. I laughed the first time- a lot- but now I can be more open. No more nervous tittering and hoping to God that nobody suspects- open guffawing every thirty seconds. This movie is truly hilarious in how ridiculous it is, and it really is a breath of fresh air, especially in a world of tragic lesbian movies.

That said, there are stereotypes galore, especially with the gay boys- most of them are lisping and effeminate, while the lesbians are more diverse. Even that is done to the extreme for comedic effect, but I kind of wish they did the same thing with the lesbians- made them as butch as possible, wearing flannel and such. It would have been funny- but it also would have messed with the whole "our protagonist is femme and that's why she didn't get it" thing, which is inarguably the biggest plot point.

There was one line that hurt when I first watched it, and still stings a little. From the bitter failed gay boy, told he's not straight enough- "Congratulations liars! You know who you are and you know who you want! Ain't nobody gonna change that!" Every time he says it, he calls me out for trying so damn hard to be just another straight girl. Every time, he makes me glad that I finally recognized that that's just not the life for me- a life of pretending just doesn't work in the real world. And when it does work, it's miserable.



So yeah, watch this movie and laugh. Watch it and be really surprised when you learn something about yourself. Watch it and hate the color pink for at least a week.

Club Kids!

Hullo! This week has been... hmm. Interesting! Fun! Tragic! Exuberant! Full of adjectives!

So yesterday, I went two supergeh meetings and I adored both of them, as I am wont to do. Meeting one was for the bisexuals. I'm not bi, and the girl I went with (who will probably show up a lot now because it's school year, so she might get her very one blog-nickname) is straight, so basically we're there because... fun! Less fun, and more because it's nice to talk to people about gay things. It really is. We even talk about such things as sex and relationships, and really, politics/religion just don't enter the question. Which is nice, because I am bored of politics.

The other meeting was for the polyamourous/kinky/asexual ones and this one is HELLA fun. We brought along our other two friends for this ones (they also need some nicknames, actually) and it's a good time. I like it because I'm interested in polyamory, and I've got me some kinks. The best part of both meetings, of course, is the people. So here's a cast list, with nicknames or generic descriptions. Woo!

The Core Cast (My Best Friends)Geekette- She went to both meetings with me, last week and this week. She's adorably nerdy, awkward, and funny as hell. Straight, and looking for her dream nerd. Applications accepted, bitches.

SweetAss McBitchFace- My favorite gay man, tall, dark, handsome, and sarcastic. He's also funny as hell, and has a tendency to hump his close friends. Which is partially why we love him. He went to the kink meeting for the first time yesterday.

Bestie- Not to be confused with Ms. Biffle, Bestie is my roommate, and a secret kinkster. She went to her first kink meeting yesterday as well.

The Bisexual Spectrum Kids
Queen Bee- She runs the meeting, and is pan, funny, and very open. Also, touched Bestie while making examples and I'm pretty sure all of the Core got a little protective, just because that's how we work.

King Bee- He runs the meeting too, and is bi. He's funny, sweet, and you can tell he cares. He has, however, hit on SweetAss before, so SweetAss is a little wary of him.

LoudGirl- is loud. And opinionated and has lots of stories. She's nice, but I wish there was volume control on her. She's pan and a freshman.

MaybeButch- We can't tell if she's butch or trans, but either way, she's bi. She doesn't bind, but her hair is short. She's very nice, makes quiet funny comments, and I kinda want to envelope her in my arms like one does with helpless baby birds. That said, I feel like she's most definitely not helpless... Just quiet.

CuteLilButchGirl- She's in my class. I want to be friends, and I sort of want her. I find her fascinating and awesome and I really wish she found me fascinating and wanted to be my friend too. However, I'm pretty sure she couldn't care less that I exist. Not that she's rude- she's just focused on other things than me, and I'm too shy to be bold.

Quiet Boy- I love him, I want to hug him, I want to be his friend and hold him like a baby bird. He's such a sweet guy, and I feel like things have been tough. I see some pain in him, and I hate seeing pain.

The Poly-Kink Club KidsQueen Bee and King Bee run this meeting too, with the help of Cute Lil Butch Girl.

FunnyAsexualGirl- I associate her with funny comments and ice cream, because she keeps bringing it. Eventually I will jump her for her ice cream, I think.

Golden Couple- The polyamorus poster children. The couple that proves it can work, but you have to do it right. Though, frankly, I'm so tired of hearing about it. And I'm interested, so I can only imagine what it's like for the ones who don't care.

and then all of the above, actually. I only listed the people I think will continue to be players.

I was going to continue with a summary and such, but I hear loud poppy noises outside, so I'm going to finish this before some dumb college kid kills me with a firecracker.

The Class of Clitorists

*genteel cough* Not to, y'know, be an observer of attractive dykes or anything, but I have a class that is haven for the lady-lovin' ladies. This is surprising because A) It is not a women's or queer studies class. That's usually where all the chicks are at. Why? Because everyone says that to be a "true" lesbian, you must know the history of feminism and all that, to be able to lecture all the "breeders" on the past sins of all heterosexuals.I happen to think that's bullshit because the chick who brings rants to a party is left in the corner. And by party I mean life in general. Nobody wants to be friends with a walking lecture. B) The class has a horrible time slot in a horrible building, so I kind of assumed not many people would be there anyway, let alone five lesbians.

After several classes of somewhat sneaky observation (I want to make friends and all, but I don't want to accidentally start a conversation with a Captain Crazy. And let me tell you, there's a lot of crazy clitorists in the world. I've even been one), I have figured out a rough estimate of the girls.

The Baby Butch- I want to put her in my pocket. I want her to want to put me in her pocket. I want to be friends simply because she possesses waves of cool that spill out of her pores. She has a slightly midwestern accent, dog tags, facilitates the kink club, and is basically the outspoken, confidant woman I so desire to become. I guess part of me wishes that if I associate with girls like her, I will be more comfortable in being my own self. Cheesy? Yes. Oh well.

Fresh-Faced Flannel- I think she might be bi, but not entirely sure. She wears a lot of plaid and talks with her best (guy) friend in a way that imitates classic baby dyke speech patterns. Nice, obviously shy, and a cool girl but not one I'll end up talking to, just because we're on opposite ends of the classroom. Literally, I'm so far away from her that for a conversation, we'd have to set up tin cans and a string.

Multi-colored Giraffe- She is tall, gorgeous and her hair is at least three shades of pink and blonde. She checked out the girl in front of her in such a way that I have no doubt she's gay. Or maybe I just wish she was, even though I'm not going after anyone this semester.

Closeted Girl- How do I know? First off, I'm good at finding closeted gays. It's a skill, I think. Second off, I've had several classes with her, and sometimes she can't help but look at the ladies. Third off, she's timid, yet always tries to start conversations with someone who's clearly Out and Proud (like me and Baby). I don't think Baby Butch notices anyone all that much, actually, but I talk to Closet Case because I've been there, and she's cool, and it's nice to have friends in a crowded classroom, even if you're barely acquaintances

Bonus- Fetch Girl from another class- She's cool, calm, and collected. She's got confidence, smarts, and beautiful yet tasteful tattoos. Much like Baby Butch, I want to be friends because she intrigues me and because I want to surround myself with people who just don't give a damn what others think. Because right now, I need people who don't care what I do, because the ones I love are expressing concern that I'm antisocial when right now, I'm not looking for more people like them. I'm having a time period of "differently social". 

On a Serious Note- self discovery

...I said I would do a post about my dyke-filled class of wonder, and I will, but first a horribly emo update about my life. I broke up with my girlfriend of five months, whom I met online and was madly in love with- still am, actually- just a few days ago. Since then, I've been trying to keep myself distracted and busy so I didn't have time to think about her more than I already do and that hasn't much worked, but it has the unfortunate side effect of keeping me away from here, too.

I would do a blog about why we broke up, or how I feel, or how much I miss her and wish it wasn't necessary, but I can't, and you don't want to hear about it. In the end, I need to figure out who I am, for real, and I need to have the strength to stick with myself. Yes, that's what the rest of the blog will be- a continued musing of the last sentence.

See, even when I was faking it in straight relationships (though I tried really hard to love and be lustful for those guys), I tended to mimic their interests and personality. I tried to be the perfect girl, the one they wanted, the girl who let them win the arguments and liked their music. I do it with my friends, too. I simply find it much easier to go along with what the person I'm closest to wants than what I might really want. I give up things because they aren't enough like others, all the time. I give in to peer pressure incredibly easily. When you add the pressure of wanting to continue a relationship and be the perfect girl for someone, it only gets worse. Which is why, here I am, after several relationships and many friendships, not entirely sure of myself any more.

I never really was. Truth is, we can't escape other peoples' opinions, and that's okay. There's a fine line, though, between knowing what people might think, and never doing anything because someone else hasn't done it. Or may not approve. Or they like the opposite thing and you don't want to risk their love. Of course, there is an added element in that I move notoriously fast in my relationships. From first meeting (or message, because 3/4 of my relationships were began online) to announcing our status as dating is usually a week. I think it's a lot easier to move quickly online- you trick yourself into thinking you know more about them than you do. Before you even consider sending a first message, you already know their favorite music, whereas in real life, that (and more) are things you discover, settle into. Explore and establish. Also, online you can spend much more time "with" a person than you can in real life. You im during homework and while talking  with your friends, when you're eating or reading or watching a movie. You multitask, and so spend almost all your time with them very quickly. In real life, that builds up- from talking in class to exchanging numbers- over weeks. Online? A day, maybe.

So between my inability to define myself in my own terms, and to maintain a successful relationship in a slow setting, I've put a hiatus of all romance until December 6. No flirting (maybe a little, but nothing serious), no dating, only looking for new friends on all my dating sites, no attachment. After that, I'm re-evaluating. And then maybe I can go on dates- but no relationships for a little after that I think.

It's a step I needed to take. And hopefully, I will heal my identity and my broken heart in a healthy, mature manner. God, I hope so.

Maybe tomorrow I will discuss my dyke class, and the lovely meetings I got to have with le gays.

Friends, Stuff, and BOOOKS

It has been so incredibly busy that I haven't had time to properly write a post. In fact, as I write this, I am eating, nursing my ass-kicking foot (it's not kicking ass at the moment), organizing my room and procrastinating on homework. Since my last post, I've driven three days with my parents, arrived at school, survived a hurricane, and started classes. I've also done lots of other little things that I won't get into detail because you would probably be kinda bored.

The three day trek across half the United States to my current residence in New England was sheer hell. I would rather ride in a car of rattlesnakes and scorpions than my parents. When I die, if there is a Hell, that's what it will be, an eternal car ride with my parents. My dad gets unreasonably angry like he's training in it, and my mom is the loudest silent sulker I know. Neither of them like it when I drive. Both get frustrated easily, and for a large percentage of the trip, I played mediator and court fool in the true sense of the phrase- making cracks and advisement to calm the Royal Parents' tempers. I seriously considered giving them both small toys and making them sit in the backseat so I could drive in peace. I would have kissed the ground when I got to school, if I didn't think it would cause another fight.

Immediately after I got to school, Hurricane Irene shook her ugly head at us, and the next two days are basically my friends and roommates sitting around in the candlelight, playing card games, talking, and drinking. It wasn't that bad here, just very very wet, and we lost power. It was kind of nice, actually- I remember a moment where I looked around at all of us, drinking our beers or mixed drinks, relaxed and telling all our awkward sex stories to the walls of candlelit shadows and I thought, "This is my life now."

I know that sounds silly, but it's true. My life during the summer was one of avoidance, of healing and of experiencing all the lezzie things I could, of creating words and fabric and art. My life now, in school for the third year, is of books and exploration, emotional control and learning about other people, myself, and how to handle it all. It consists of relaxation and stress in equal measure, and of knowing most of the people around me like gloves I haven't worn in a long time. We all fit together, but we're still changing our shapes a little. It reminds me of how much I love my friends, and how much we need each other, while at the same time reminding me of the need to explore my own shape, where I fit, what I will and can do.

I noticed that I've changed the most- where I used to be quiet about my sexuality, now I'm much more open. I've dealt with hate, with fear, and with so many other personal demons that I've become more confident. I don't care anymore if people judge me for being too gay. I don't care if I'm not gay enough. I'll work in my little projects and fix all the things I can, and someday I'll convince myself that I'm enough. I'm in no hurry.

What I am in a hurry with is my volunteer work. Wait, does one refer to it as volunteer if you started it? Anyway, that book thing I've been obsessing about? It works! People are involved, and not jut people I know. We're raising book supplies and money, and soon we'll be able to ship off the first package of books to the library. I'm hoping that if it succeeds in this library, I can expand it to others. The joy I get when people ask to join is so incredible. I could dance on the sun, for reals.

Between the pile for Operation Restock and my class books, I've got over fifty books on my desk right now. I love it. I love my classes and I love that I'm doing something that matters to me, and to other people. My classes are glorious, things I'm interested in, and I'm at the point where I can actually know what people are talking about. I'm not a confused little freshman anymore- I'm a confident junior! Of course, the second I step in a math class, that will change.

I've noticed my personality has changed a lot from last semester. I can talk to people, and often do. I don't shrink in the corner. I ask questions and can make jokes pretty easily. It's tough, but I'm getting more outgoing, I think because I'm hiding a lot less than I've ever hidden before.

Next post will be an observance of dykes in the classroom!

Some thoughts, and a Plan of Action

I talked to my girlfriend last night about my wanting to start some kind of LGBT community in my town. A little one, just a place to ask questions and have Pflag meetings. I told her about the book thefts, and how I want to help. How I wish there was a way to connect with other gay people in this town- I know they exist, damnit!- and promote the idea that gays aren't insane radical troublemakers, those are just the ones that get attention. She tried to comfort me with the idea that maybe the books are stolen by teens who are questioning and confused, who needed the books but were too scared to be seen by even the librarian with them. She says I should tell myself that, because then I'll feel better. It's true, the thought does make me feel better. Maybe it's even at least partially true. Yet, if that is what's going on, doesn't that mean I need to do more? Replace more books, be more active, show them that you don't have to hide? That's what I needed, and its what I never got. Even if the books are going to good places, they still need to be replaced, so more people can learn, understand, or hell, even just read a damn good book.

She asked why it matters to me, and I told her that it would have meant everything to me if there was a safe place where I could figure myself out, happy and out people to show me it was okay. Instead, I got hate, secrecy, and the only gays were totally fucked up. If I can help other people, in a way, I'm making up for how I treated myself. She began to tell me that maybe I should work on myself before helping others, that she's working on herself before making a difference. I'm hearing that a lot lately, "Don't do anything now- wait until you're graduated, or successful, or independent." Maybe that's a good point, but I can work on myself while helping people. I need to try, because if I don't, I can't make a start in making it up to myself. To me, this is a way of working on myself. I need to prove that's there's more than just ideas, and that ideas can help.

Nobody gets it, and that makes me feel even more alone than before. I wish I knew more gays here, but I don't because there isn't any kind of way for me to make acquaintance. Mom tells me to make more gay friends, and then we can do something, but I'm shy. I can't just walk up and say, "Hey, we've got an opportunity to actually make a difference, so why don't we take it?" I'm too scared. So I plan, and I imagine, and I hope to some kind of god that in two years, I'll know what I should do. Because I can't do anything right now. I'm a poor college student who lives three days away.

Fuck that. I'm tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing like so many people. I can't do much, but I can try. I can start, and maybe some of my ideas might actually work. I don't want to sit and tell myself all these excuses when that's all they are- just excuses because people don't want to admit that they aren't the kind of person who takes action. Not to say that's bad- I understand. A lot of times, I am that person. But sometimes, I don't want to be, not right now, not for this cause.

Here's my plan. Well, one of them; this is the only one that can be enacted immediately, and that I can participate in even when I'm not at home. It's one of the few that doesn't require me to be there the entire time.
Of course, the catch is that I need a lot of people to help. It can't just be me, and that's going to slow me down, but it won't stop me.

I want to replace every stolen book, and keep replacing them, at the local library.
I can't do it on my own because I don't have the expendable income, or the ability to track down all the books. I want to start a facebook group, or a website, and ask people to donate titles for the library. That way, when a copy is stolen, they've got backups. If it works here, I want to go to other rural libraries. If you read, and want to help, comment. Because I can't do it on my own, but sure as hell I'm going to try.

Music Review- Gossip, and my new love affair.

Beth Ditto, Brace Paine, Hannah Blilie. Hot x3.

The only introduction I could think of to this review was a terrible pun about Gossip, so I'm going to restrain myself and say it like this instead- Today I'm reviewing Gossip the band. They're pretty well known as LGBT icons, and they're music is... hmm. Let's say the genre is funkadelic old school rock with a punk edge and a dance beat. They make me want to do the twist while jumping with a smiling sneer, and I feel the need to wear bold makeup. I included them in the playlist of Riot Grrl music, but Gossip is more like a cousin of that group. Very little screaming, no man-hating lyrics, only traces of feminism to be found. Beth Ditto's voice is easy to sing along with (for me, at least), and the lyrics are easy to memorize.

I just love this band. It's a tragic and passionate love affair sure to end with Beth Ditto asking security to take out the crazy dancing girl in the front row. Just kidding. I don't have the money for concerts, or the time for stalking. But anyway, LOVE GOSSIP.

Here's why:

That's Not What I Heard, 2000. "Swing Low", "Where the Girls Are", "Heartbeats".
"Swing Low" offers a fun alternative to the gospel classic, and sets a good tone for the album, while "Where the Girls Are" and "Heartbeats" show off their infectious hooks and the very nice rhythm the band's got going. This album makes me think of classic Southern rock, but with a funky catch that I love. Makes sense- they are originally from Arkansas.

Arkansas Heat, 2001. "Ain't It The Truth".
The chorus is so catchy, and reminiscent of Aretha Franklin, but in a way Ms. Franklin would never think of. And that's a compliment to Gossip, not meant to be offensive to Aretha.

Movement, 2003. "Nite", "Don't (Make Waves)", "Fire Sign", "Lesson Learned".
What a fabulously groovable album. "Don't (Make Waves)" and "Nite" were the real standouts, but the other two were far to good to leave off.

Standing in the Way of Control, 2005. "Standing in the Way of Control", "Coal to Diamonds", "Your Mangled Heart", "Dark Lines".
Here's when they became pretty well known, and I can't help it, it's my favorite album. Yes, the title track is fantastic, but "Coal to Diamonds" has a wonderful 50's sound I adore, and it's an emotion I can empathize with, and "Dark Lines" is chill in the coffee shop way.

Music for Men, 2000. "Dimestore Diamond", "Love Long Distance", "For Keeps", "Four Letter Word".
My other favorite album! All four of the above tracks are not only worth a listen, but necessary for life. I found that I fell instantly in love with them and haven't let them go at all. "Love Long Distance" gets bonus points for an awesome video including body suits, roller skating, and balloons.

If you're in the mood for grooving music that forces you on your goddamn feet, this is your band. Beth Ditto might just be my new idol.

Notes From the Missouri State Fair

My town goes absolutely insane exactly once a year, filled with people don't know how to drive, cowboys, old people, and everybody is really, really frustrated. Also, many are drunk too.

I never know if I love or hate it, but what the hell- either way I embrace it. I dip my toe in the Missouri State Fair and I people watch. I people watch like I'm getting a degree in it, and if you're interested in the diversity of Missourians, my town's the place to be. Of course, this being a gay girl's blog, I will tell you about the lesbos, but first, a mixed bag of incredibly intriguing specimens:

Ronald McDonald, in and out of costume. A lot, actually. I saw him (out of costume) at McDonald's, driving to the fair, parking in the fair, watching the shows before his and watching the crowd. I think at that point he got a little freaked out that I saw him so many places, but when I saw him (yet again) three different places as Ronald, I think he began to think I was stalking him. I wasn't- I just happened to see him a lot.

The Republicans and the Democrats. This year, someone thought it would be a good idea to put their tents beside each other. Now, the booth runners didn't have a problem with it- many of the politicians are friends, after all. But the voters, they're a little less tolerant of each other, so a lot of old people got into political events on the sidewalk, and someone would have to separate them. Once, it was a candidate for local office.

The Right To Life (and varieties thereof). I don't know why, but they keep trying to talk to me. I think they single out all young women, and inform us how horrible abortion is so we never do. I don't get why they give out fetus-shaped silly bandz and not condoms- Wouldn't condoms be more effective for preventing abortions? At least you'd have a lot of really thankful drunken cowboys.

Anyway, on to the dykes. Oh, the dykes.

One girl wearing a "I like Chicks" shirt with a little picture of a chicken on it. Now, there's a chance she meant it literally or ironically, but I kinda doubt it.
One girl wearing a Fuck H8 shirt. That takes some balls, I must say. Figuratively.
Two butch girls, one of whom was with her family.
Three baby dykes.
The boi I wasn't sure about until she started hitting on me- She teetered on androgyny, to the point where I wasn't sure if it was a gay guy or a boi. It was kinda flattering that she hit on me at all, her being a pretty attractive girl, but I feel that she was bored with the fairly sparse selection of lesbos at the fair. She was pretty nice when I informed her I had a girlfriend, too.

The butch carny who I ended up hanging out with for a few minutes. (I saved the best for last.) I was waiting for my cousins to get off the ride she was running and we talked about the music and the mating habits of the average Missouri twentysomething. We decided that tiny jean skirts, plaid halter tops, and cowgirl boots must be the requirement, and we speculated on possibility of redneck inbreeding. There some pretty great jokes about plaid- "Don't the straight girls know it's our color? You've got pink! How are we supposed to find the dykes now?"- and she got me to go hit on her girlfriend at the cotton candy booth, because they were betting on people using the line, "You might be selling candy, but you're the sweetest things I see." Her girlfriend laughed, called me out on knowing there was a bet, and snuck me a candy apple. Butch carny was super annoyed it didn't work, but it was worth the laugh. Those ladies were my favorite people at the fair, so far.

Music Review- Le Tigre

This sounds much like Sleater-Kinney and Bikini Kill and there's a good reason why- Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill is a founding member of Le Tigre, and they were originally formed to be her back up band.

There's a lot less screaming and shouting than Bikini Kill, and I find the slightly electronic feel to be easy to sing along to. The lyrics are much more understandable, too and I find it very cool that a lot of songs are remixes of people talking or chanting. On to the album by album!

Le Tigre, 1999.  "Hot Topic", "The Empty", "My My Metrocard", "Slideshow at Free University".
It seems that popular lesbian opinion considers "Hot Topic" to be a quintessential lesbian tune. It is riddled with feminists and declares that feminism will never be stopped. Plus, it is very fucking catchy. "The Empty" and "My My Metrocard" have very catchy beats and I find myself dancing to them incessantly. I find it odd, but I keep thinking of a fifties groove beat to all these songs, like an electronic rockabilly feel, but more feminism. "Slideshow at Free University" is a remix of a man talking, or maybe music centered around his words is more accurate. It intrigues me, and the ideas expressed in it are perfect and thought-provoking.

From The Desk of Mr. Lady, 2001. "They Want Us to Make a Symphony Out of the Sound of Women Swallowing Their Own Tongues", "Yr Critique", "All That Glitters".
"They (...)" is another remix of people speaking, with an emphasis on women saying "Um, and" as male interviewers fluster them. Danceable yet thought-provoking appears to be a specialty of Le Tigre, much more so than any other band I've ever heard. They don't shove politics down your throat (something I consider to be a weakness of Bikini Kill), but trick you into thinking about it more deeply. "Yr Critique" is a battle against W.I.A, Well-Intentioned Assholes, a plague upon society. "All That Glitters" is a remixed version of "The Empty" and I couldn't find a version of it, but it's worth a listen.

Feminist Sweepstakes, 2001. "Lt Tour Theme", "Dyke March 2001", "Well Well Well", "TGIF".
I included "Lt Tour Theme" because it's catchy for being a tour theme, and I love that they call themselves the band for the ladies and the fags. I want to dance with the fags, ladies, and them. "Dyke March 2001" is another remix of talking and chanting, apparently audio clips from a pride march. It's fucking catchy as hell, and I ended up singing along loudly with it in my car. Note- Do not sing "We recruit!" while driving, because that is a myth that needs to be banished from this area. "Well Well Well" gives off the impression of the members standing around talking to you, and maybe judging a little, but in perfectly groovy unison. "TGIF" should be the working man's anthem.

This Island, 2004. "After Dark", "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo", "Tell You Now", "So Excited".
"After Dark"- the booty call song is so much fun! This album shows a more polished sound, yet with a residual grittiness that almost feels forced, but it is still fantastic. There's a heavy dose of girl group and disco too, which I really love.  "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo" teases and challenges all the haters and it is sly and somewhat sexy, but not nearly so sexy as "So Excited". I got up and danced valiantly to that one, and I can't explain it, so just listen. "Tell You Now" is sweetly challenging, and politely explains that Le Tigre is fighting the war and won't be stopped, while nearly daring the misogynists to try some more.

Le Tigre is the best of Bikini Kill and  none of the bad, plus hefty doses of electronic pop that makes me happily groove along. I'm keeping every album, and not even deleting a song.

Movie Review- "High Art"

I haven't been keeping up the past because I've been busy. Making art, cleaning, packing, embroidering, mending, getting really really exhausted. Most of the arting/packing/sewing has been done while watching "Doctor Who" (I've always wanted to, and MAN am I hooked), but I have been doing a little lesbigay movie watching. Last night, my girlfriend and I decided to watch "High Art" and... wow, I guess. That's the best word.

Here's the plot: Sadie, an assistant editor of a photography magazine meets Lucy, a retired photographer and convinces her to be published again. Yes, exactly one sentence. If I go more into detail, it A) wouldn't make much sense and B) would give away everything else.

This is an artsy movie in every way- about art, and very artistically done. There are many quiet moments of the characters just living, and these moments make you understand the actions of each character more full, like a glimpse in their heads. The actors are fantastic- if any of them had been mediocre, the entire film would have fallen apart.

Also- Ally Sheedy stars as Lucy, and I love me some Ally Sheedy. So hot.

Lesbian-wise, there's lots of that. It's understated, just a part of life, and barely mentioned. Of course we have obligatory "lesbian with boyfriend who falls in love with a girl", but other than that, they're mostly bi or gay and it's not a big deal. The drug use rampant in the movie is the biggest focus, and we watch as it rips people and lives apart. Not in a dramatic musically orchestrated way, but in the quiet very human way that really happens. If you want a romantic movie or something gay to watch, this isn't it, but if you want to see a beautifully done character study that is truly artistic, then check it out.

Oh, and prepare to be depressed.

Movie Review- Better Than Chocolate is the Best!

Oh god, goddess, whatever you want to swear by, I'm so fucking happy I thought to check out this gem of a movie! It is officially my favorite lesbo movie, and I don't say that lightly. I can't really sum up the plot, but I'll try- Maggie, a nineteen year old lesbian working at an LGBT bookstore, has to allow her mother and brother to move in until they can find a home. However, her mom has no clue she's gay, and wants to run her life because she can't control her own. Let's just say, things get really messy, but it resolves itself just as messily.

And I loved it all! I didn't step back and examine it once for plot, character or anything. I was completely entranced and along for the ride. I kept thinking, "man, I think my mom would really love this movie!" but then there'd be more sex and I knew I'd have to keep it to myself. My mom can handle a lot of things, but I think multiple lesbian sex scenes might bother her a little... Anyway, how has this skipped my radar?

Yes, they deal with common LGBT issues. Trans acceptance, transitions, coming out, censorship, and hate all get focused on, but not once does it feel heavy handed. There's not even a trace of preachiness. This is just the characters' lives, who they are and what they deal with, and how they handle everything. The editing is fast and clever, moving the plot along without feeling forced (a common mistake). The writing- especially the mother, Lila- is so incredibly natural. In fact, the entire movie has a nice, organic ring to it. It made me laugh out loud, often, and the bad (terrible) things that happen? When they do happen, you can feel that it's going to be okay, eventually.

Something that just caught my attention- none of the storylines got more attention than the other. Lila's transition from wife to divorcee, her friendship with Judy, Judy and Francis's relationship, Maggie and Kim's romance- it's all treated with equal importance. I was invested in all of them, and I wanted them to be happy and okay with each other in the end.The characters are believable, and even though Maggie, being a young lesbian, could have very easily been a whiny angsty one (like Anna of "Itty Bitty"), she ends up being strong and very likable. And yes, angsty lesbians are everywhere in media because they're everywhere in reality- hell, I'm one, and I know several- but that doesn't mean we want to watch it. I don't like watching angsty lesbos on tv because I am one. I want to watch strong funny girls because I want to be them.

This movie handles the whole angst and LGBT thing wonderfully, by avoiding the angst. They're gay, and dealing with those issues- but there's no angst. They aren't ignoring the problems that arise, or pretending those problems don't exist, but they aren't creating them or inviting either (*cough* "Itty Bitty" I'm looking at you). There isn't a single moment where the character looks at the moody sky and seriously thinks about how difficult it is being gay, or how confusing life is or whatever- the take things like normal people and have to absorb everything quickly, because life doesn't allow for moody montages. It's the treatment of LGBT issues I needed to see, and the treatment I want to give in my own work.

Speaking of issues, I'm working on the library thing. I can't fix the persistent theft of every positive LGBT book, and to strike back might affect people who haven't done anything, but I can replace the books. Every time they go missing, I'm buying new ones. If I can, I'm going to start a fund to replace every stolen book in that library. It happens a lot, not just to LGBT causes. Book theft sucks, and when these are the only sources for confused kids like I used to be, it could kill. So I'm going to try and fix it. Who wants to help?

Movie Review- Loving Annabelle

My girlfriend and I watched this on our very first internet date (we watch the same movie at the same time and im or text back and forth. It's as close to a normal date as we can really get, what with all the distance). I was in my "I'm gay but that doesn't mean I have to do every lesbian thing out there, gah!" stage, so watching such a superlez movie grated on my nerves. By the way, spoilers abound.

I didn't hate the movie, but I didn't like it either. In case you didn't know, "Loving Annabelle" is the movie in which the young lesbian seduces her teacher and they become lovers, get caught and all that. I didn't like it because I felt like it glamorized an inadvisable relationship, and it seemed like most of the tension was because "ooooh it's so deliciously forbidden!" rather than any real romantic or sexual tension. However, I am going to try to be fair, and I'm watching it again, this time paying closer attention to the relationships of the characters.

It probably helps that I'm going to be watching it alone this time, and not sending mushy ims to a really attractive girl. That probably did nothing for my attention span.

Now that I've watched it with minimal distraction, my opinion hasn't changed much, but I can now put a finger on why their relationship bothers me (other than the whole student-teacher love is ick). It bothers me because Annabell is the only character in the movie who doesn't seem real. She's too mature and perfect. She's actually more mature than the teacher, Simone. Not once do we see her really act like a teenager, and it bothers me.

On the second watching, the "forbidden love" thing appears to be less glamorized than I remember it, and the movie portrays Simone's torture quite well. She gives in to her feelings, and she's punished for it- the nun who calls the police isn't an enemy, she's just a woman doing her job, and they don't make her an enemy. The girl who turns in the lovers is shown to be a bitch and she does it out of jealousy that Annabelle doesn't prefer her, and her friends desert her. In all, the whole thing is pretty realistically done, and it ends fairly ambiguously.


If you replaced Annabelle with a boy or Simone with a man, the movie's tone might change a little, but I don't think the difference would be all that big- the hidden secret of Simone's sexuality wouldn't matter, but other than that the movie wouldn't change. In the end, that isn't the plot, the plot is exploring how the student-teacher romance bloomed, and it's pretty interesting. I just thought it kinda cool that for once, this isn't a lesbian movie that spends all its time focusing on how hard it is to be lesbian and come out and all that.

Watch the movie if you feel like it, but I don't think I want to watch it again. While interesting and subtly done, it doesn't draw me in like other movies can.

An Observation of the Homosexual in Their Native Small Town America

I've had the joy and pleasure of being whisked off to my grandparents' house. This, of course, means the joy and pleasure of talking to about eighty people who I don't know, but remember me "since you were this tall!" and insist on hugs. It also means that all these well meaning people try to set me up with their sons and grandsons, because wouldn't it just be sweet? Gah. I've gotten bad at playing the straight, nice girl, so this was a challenge. I'm also pretty sure I didn't succeed very well, but hey, I wasn't so obviously gay that my grandparents asked about it.

However! I played a game of "Spot the Gay" at the small-town fair, and on the trip up and back. I can proudly say that my gaydar was fairly accurate, and I spotted three whole dykes and a possible bisexual in the crowds. Also, one flaming gay boy and a much quieter gay boy. I was shocked and surprised at his daring fabulousness, but he bulged with muscles- clearly this isn't just a well dressed lad, this is a farm gay, and I noticed he was very careful to not hit on or touch any of the boys near him. Of which there were two, but still, his carefulness was duly noted and admired. The quieter gay boy dressed and acted like every other cowboy, except his eyes kept roving to the other boy's abs.

Of the fagettes, there was a femme, a farm girl, and a girl who was about as rock as it gets in this town (not very rocker at all, actually. Valiant effort, though). All three were very careful, very quiet and very observant of the others, and me. The rockstar and her friends appeared to be talking about me, from their glances, so I pretended I didn't notice. All in all, a surprising afternoon followed by a dull night and an even duller day.

I'm so glad I'm home. That town puts my teeth on edge, even if (as it appears) it's relatively safe for the gays. But probably only relatively- I really doubt they're out, even the flaming ones, because to be obviously gay yet closeted is acceptable- to be out, in that town, is not.

Baby Dyke is Also Baby Activist. kinda.

I went to the library today. I was after some lesigay books in the effort of improving my knowledge of my own sexuality, because I'm bored, and because I really, really wanted to know if small town America has gay books.

I found one in the entire library, a review of the LGBT rights movement. It spent a lot of time explaining the "behaviors and acts of the average homosexual."  Not even the gay fiction I read as a teenager was there (Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan, unbearably cheerful but kinda cute). Giving that up as a lost cause, I gloomily tromped to my car to drive home. At this point, my gloom bloomed to anger. Maybe I'm being stupid again, but I think it's a kind of travesty to have no gay books, but eleven Ann Coulter books and at least four "Rebel Pride, the South will Rise Again" books. (Dear Southerners, give it up.)

Fuck it. This is something I can try to fix, so I'll do my best. I'm waiting a few minutes and then I'm going to call the library head and ask what I need to do to get more LGBT books in circulation. I was just going to donate some, but there's the risk of them just gathering dust somewhere- they have to be approved by head of circulation. Which means I have to convince the head of circulation that gay books are, in fact, necessary.

If this doesn't work, I'm going to do some guerilla gaying of the shelves.
Maybe not so responsible, but it's the only thing that I can do right now.

Music Review- Bikini Kill!

Today's band of the day is Bikini Kill. The very beginning of the riot grrl movement which Sleater-Kinney belongs to, Bikini Kill is super-feminist punk rock in the best possible way. I had to listen to Bikini Kill for a while, looking at the lyrics and paying close attention before I could really get into them. But now that I've allowed them into my mind, I can't get them out.

I keep finding myself wishing I could see them live (they broke up in 1998), because from what I can tell there just wasn't a concert like a Bikini Kill concert. Women were brought up from the audience to talk about politics on stage. The mosh pit was forced to the side so that women could be in the front. I feel like the concerts are just like the music- a little odd, very unexpected, but if you're in the mood, it's absolutely perfect.

CD Version of the First Two Albums, 1992. "Double Dare Ya", "Feels Blind", "Rebel Girl", "Outta Me"
This was so unexpected to me, mostly because the first two songs "Double Dare Ya" and "Liar" seamlessly flow into each other (not what I think when I think punk), and the other songs feature screaming and enthusiastic, breathless talking. Like, "here's one expectation broken, and now we're going to break that- ha!"
The lyrics are often very repetitive, and the chanting serves to make you think about the words more thoroughly, I found. The message sinks in and a lot of time, I laughed because I was thinking, "Well yeah. Fuck yeah! I don't need you, boys! Back off!" It was empowering in a weird way, but at the same time, I had to think, we don't need boys, but fuck, I still want them around. I don't even date them, I just like having guys in my life because too much estrogen is a nightmare. And for the straight girls, well you do kinda need a guy for sex. Maybe they take the feminist message a little far, but it's still worth it.

Pussy Whipped, 1994. "Alien She", "Magnet", "Starfish", "For Tammy Rae" (Listen to this at least. It's so sweet)
I'm ashamed to admit that the more I listen to this, the more I want to make a drastic change. I want to take all the risks I'm too much of a pussy to actually take. Maybe this is good, but knowing me, it isn't and I need to step away from the cd now. But I won't. This is also the point where I realized that the songs are actually pretty short, about a minute and a half long. The energy is so intense, though, that you end up drawn in and mesmerized, not realizing exactly how much time is passing. Sometimes it feels like none at all, and sometimes like hours in one song. 

Reject All American, 1996. "Jet Ski", "No Back Rub", "Bloody Ice Cream"
The vocals are screamed, shouted and pretty distorted, but in a sense you don't have to know them to like the music. It helps, though, or otherwise you'll hear a single word (usually "FUCK!") and be really confused. Unless, like me, you like the word "fuck" and "dyke", in which case you'll be kinda delighted. While listening to this album I informed my girlfriend that punk music makes me want to do stupid things in fast motion (this has been tried and true through the years) and she just laughed. I think it's because she isn't in the same time zone as me and therefore doesn't have to deal with my stupid consequences.

Bikini Kill is very different from what I'm used to, but once I got in the Bikini Kill mood, I really loved the music. "The Bikini Kill mood", so you know, is disaffected, maybe a little lonely, kinda angry and in need of a cathartic release. The music serves as that very necessary release.

Bikini Kill is medicine of sorts.  Take two singles and call me in the morning.

Omegle, the place to meet people

 Not even kidding. I go to Omegle.com when I'm bored and I even find it worthwhile. Omegle has found a reputation for being a place for pervs and trolls, but surprisingly, not every person on there is looking for cyber sex. In fact, I've met a lot of really interesting people over the last few days.

I've talked to people about stupid boys, stupid girls, financial woes, and many other things. People need to talk, sometimes, and if done right, Omegle can be the anonymous place to wonder if your fiance will still love you when you come back from the army, or to relax after a hard day's work. For a lot of people, it's a place to find a new friend, or just someone to connect with for a few seconds.

I can't help it... I love people. I love the way they are on the internet, listening and talking hidden behind electronic veils, yet at the same time revealing the things they worry about or celebrate. You're who you are, or maybe who you want to be, on Omegle. There's no point to hiding, but if you want to affect the personality you wish you could be, that's easy enough too. There actually is a point to hiding certain things- name, credit card, location, etc- but what's on your mind, or what you want from life can be laid bare to see and you are barely vulnerable.

I think some of the best conversations have been where we both have something weighing us down and we need to just talk it out. Sometimes you can't rely on your friends or family, but you don't want to just rely on yourself. One guy was worried that he was going to change so much that his fiance wouldn't love him anymore. We spent a while talking about it, sorting it out until he felt better. Then we talked about my issues, because you can't open up to someone if they don't want to open up to you. That's not how it works. It's like a trading of vulnerabilities.

That's the most interesting thing to me, but I'm also fascinated by people who are putting up these fronts on Omegle- the ones who are trying to be tough, or sexy, or snarky. You can tell they aren't, it doesn't flow naturally, but on some level, that is who they want to be. I can dig that.

Then we have the funny people who can take a level of absurdity and just run. The ones who ask you what dinosaur you are, and begin theoretical discussions on the existence of superheros. Those people are great... So every horny person on the site can suck my nonexistent dick and find some porn. I'm going to keep going back when I'm bored, because there's diamonds in the rough, and I like talking to them.

Music Review- Sleater-Kinney

Oh sweet matzo balls yes! I have found a lesbo band that I can listen to indefinitely and has absolutely no acoustic guitar. Sleater-Kinney, if you didn't know, is a riot grrl band that went on hiatus in 2006. They are very feminist, very political and very fun to dance to. Now, I had a nagging problem of dancing when I should have been listening carefully, but my biggest problem was that the lyrics are somewhat hard to hear through the veils of guitar, drums, and a slight bit of distortion due to my shitty speakers. I looked up the lyrics, and it was worth it- every song is thought out thoroughly and nicely poetic, but also enjoyable to listen to.

Corin Tucker, Janet Weiss and Carrie Brownstein. Hot times three.

Yes, I said every song. I didn't dislike a single song in six albums. That has to be a record for me. I listened to all the albums four or so times each, just trying to narrow my favorites down. I definitely advise anyone who likes rock to listen to Sleater-Kinney.


Sleater-Kinney, 1995. "The Day I Went Away", "A Real Man", "Her Again".
Snarky and gritty but so, so danceable. This is punk how I like it- passionate, slightly grungy and you feel like you need to be dancing with a bunch of sweaty people with a beer in your hand. I don't even drink beer... but this album kinda makes me want to. "A Real Man" is a breathless, rocking litany of all the shit you get to hear from drunken rednecks, with a chorus of what I am politely proclaiming.

Call The Doctor, 1996. "Call the Doctor", "Stay Where You Are", "Good Things"
Again, a great album for wishing you were dancing among a throng of people. "Stay Where You Are" and "Good Things" are catchy to sing along to, and you can feel what she's feeling. Or at least you feel like you might be able to feel the same thing she can feel. I am now banned from the word "feel".

Dig Me Out, 1997. "One More Hour", "Turn It On", "Dance Song '97"
Oh man, got caught dancing like an idiot to this album. My girlfriend was on video camera and I thought she was reading something while I danced to my headphones. Nope. She saw me dancing like a fool.

The Hot Rock, 1999. "The End of You", "Banned From the End of the World", "Memorize Your Lines"
This is when I noticed, I mean sat down and paid close attention to, the way their voices intertwine- a nice quiet singing voice actually stands out far more than the usual shout-singing that graces most of the tracks, and it plays with your ears. Which I love.

All Hands on the Bad One, 2000. "The Ballad of a Ladyman", "All Hands on the Bad One", "You're No Rock 'n Roll Fun"
I have nothing to say that wouldn't be repetitive, so click the song links and dance, bitch. Especially "All Hands on the Bad One".

One Beat, 2002. "One Beat", "Oh!", "Funeral Song", "Prisstina"I really really  love "Oh!". I am dancing in my seat to it right now. Again. And again.

The Woods, 2005. "Wilderness", "What's Mine Is Yours", "Jumpers"
Oh man, I wasn't going to make "Jumpers" a favorite, but then I heard it, and suddenly it was my absolute favorite. I guess I wasn't listening all the other times.

Well, that's Sleater-Kinney, and my god do I love this band. Their sound doesn't differ much from album to album, though you could say they get a little more commercial with the last two albums. I love that I can click to any song and find something I can dance to. I did a lot of dancing, and between the grungy guitar and snarky lyrics, the songs end up kinda... sexy. I don't know how, but they pull it off.