...I said I would do a post about my dyke-filled class of wonder, and I will, but first a horribly emo update about my life. I broke up with my girlfriend of five months, whom I met online and was madly in love with- still am, actually- just a few days ago. Since then, I've been trying to keep myself distracted and busy so I didn't have time to think about her more than I already do and that hasn't much worked, but it has the unfortunate side effect of keeping me away from here, too.
I would do a blog about why we broke up, or how I feel, or how much I miss her and wish it wasn't necessary, but I can't, and you don't want to hear about it. In the end, I need to figure out who I am, for real, and I need to have the strength to stick with myself. Yes, that's what the rest of the blog will be- a continued musing of the last sentence.
See, even when I was faking it in straight relationships (though I tried really hard to love and be lustful for those guys), I tended to mimic their interests and personality. I tried to be the perfect girl, the one they wanted, the girl who let them win the arguments and liked their music. I do it with my friends, too. I simply find it much easier to go along with what the person I'm closest to wants than what I might really want. I give up things because they aren't enough like others, all the time. I give in to peer pressure incredibly easily. When you add the pressure of wanting to continue a relationship and be the perfect girl for someone, it only gets worse. Which is why, here I am, after several relationships and many friendships, not entirely sure of myself any more.
I never really was. Truth is, we can't escape other peoples' opinions, and that's okay. There's a fine line, though, between knowing what people might think, and never doing anything because someone else hasn't done it. Or may not approve. Or they like the opposite thing and you don't want to risk their love. Of course, there is an added element in that I move notoriously fast in my relationships. From first meeting (or message, because 3/4 of my relationships were began online) to announcing our status as dating is usually a week. I think it's a lot easier to move quickly online- you trick yourself into thinking you know more about them than you do. Before you even consider sending a first message, you already know their favorite music, whereas in real life, that (and more) are things you discover, settle into. Explore and establish. Also, online you can spend much more time "with" a person than you can in real life. You im during homework and while talking with your friends, when you're eating or reading or watching a movie. You multitask, and so spend almost all your time with them very quickly. In real life, that builds up- from talking in class to exchanging numbers- over weeks. Online? A day, maybe.
So between my inability to define myself in my own terms, and to maintain a successful relationship in a slow setting, I've put a hiatus of all romance until December 6. No flirting (maybe a little, but nothing serious), no dating, only looking for new friends on all my dating sites, no attachment. After that, I'm re-evaluating. And then maybe I can go on dates- but no relationships for a little after that I think.
It's a step I needed to take. And hopefully, I will heal my identity and my broken heart in a healthy, mature manner. God, I hope so.
Maybe tomorrow I will discuss my dyke class, and the lovely meetings I got to have with le gays.
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