It has been so incredibly busy that I haven't had time to properly write a post. In fact, as I write this, I am eating, nursing my ass-kicking foot (it's not kicking ass at the moment), organizing my room and procrastinating on homework. Since my last post, I've driven three days with my parents, arrived at school, survived a hurricane, and started classes. I've also done lots of other little things that I won't get into detail because you would probably be kinda bored.
The three day trek across half the United States to my current residence in New England was sheer hell. I would rather ride in a car of rattlesnakes and scorpions than my parents. When I die, if there is a Hell, that's what it will be, an eternal car ride with my parents. My dad gets unreasonably angry like he's training in it, and my mom is the loudest silent sulker I know. Neither of them like it when I drive. Both get frustrated easily, and for a large percentage of the trip, I played mediator and court fool in the true sense of the phrase- making cracks and advisement to calm the Royal Parents' tempers. I seriously considered giving them both small toys and making them sit in the backseat so I could drive in peace. I would have kissed the ground when I got to school, if I didn't think it would cause another fight.
Immediately after I got to school, Hurricane Irene shook her ugly head at us, and the next two days are basically my friends and roommates sitting around in the candlelight, playing card games, talking, and drinking. It wasn't that bad here, just very very wet, and we lost power. It was kind of nice, actually- I remember a moment where I looked around at all of us, drinking our beers or mixed drinks, relaxed and telling all our awkward sex stories to the walls of candlelit shadows and I thought, "This is my life now."
I know that sounds silly, but it's true. My life during the summer was one of avoidance, of healing and of experiencing all the lezzie things I could, of creating words and fabric and art. My life now, in school for the third year, is of books and exploration, emotional control and learning about other people, myself, and how to handle it all. It consists of relaxation and stress in equal measure, and of knowing most of the people around me like gloves I haven't worn in a long time. We all fit together, but we're still changing our shapes a little. It reminds me of how much I love my friends, and how much we need each other, while at the same time reminding me of the need to explore my own shape, where I fit, what I will and can do.
I noticed that I've changed the most- where I used to be quiet about my sexuality, now I'm much more open. I've dealt with hate, with fear, and with so many other personal demons that I've become more confident. I don't care anymore if people judge me for being too gay. I don't care if I'm not gay enough. I'll work in my little projects and fix all the things I can, and someday I'll convince myself that I'm enough. I'm in no hurry.
What I am in a hurry with is my volunteer work. Wait, does one refer to it as volunteer if you started it? Anyway, that book thing I've been obsessing about? It works! People are involved, and not jut people I know. We're raising book supplies and money, and soon we'll be able to ship off the first package of books to the library. I'm hoping that if it succeeds in this library, I can expand it to others. The joy I get when people ask to join is so incredible. I could dance on the sun, for reals.
Between the pile for Operation Restock and my class books, I've got over fifty books on my desk right now. I love it. I love my classes and I love that I'm doing something that matters to me, and to other people. My classes are glorious, things I'm interested in, and I'm at the point where I can actually know what people are talking about. I'm not a confused little freshman anymore- I'm a confident junior! Of course, the second I step in a math class, that will change.
I've noticed my personality has changed a lot from last semester. I can talk to people, and often do. I don't shrink in the corner. I ask questions and can make jokes pretty easily. It's tough, but I'm getting more outgoing, I think because I'm hiding a lot less than I've ever hidden before.
Next post will be an observance of dykes in the classroom!
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