Some thoughts, and a Plan of Action

I talked to my girlfriend last night about my wanting to start some kind of LGBT community in my town. A little one, just a place to ask questions and have Pflag meetings. I told her about the book thefts, and how I want to help. How I wish there was a way to connect with other gay people in this town- I know they exist, damnit!- and promote the idea that gays aren't insane radical troublemakers, those are just the ones that get attention. She tried to comfort me with the idea that maybe the books are stolen by teens who are questioning and confused, who needed the books but were too scared to be seen by even the librarian with them. She says I should tell myself that, because then I'll feel better. It's true, the thought does make me feel better. Maybe it's even at least partially true. Yet, if that is what's going on, doesn't that mean I need to do more? Replace more books, be more active, show them that you don't have to hide? That's what I needed, and its what I never got. Even if the books are going to good places, they still need to be replaced, so more people can learn, understand, or hell, even just read a damn good book.

She asked why it matters to me, and I told her that it would have meant everything to me if there was a safe place where I could figure myself out, happy and out people to show me it was okay. Instead, I got hate, secrecy, and the only gays were totally fucked up. If I can help other people, in a way, I'm making up for how I treated myself. She began to tell me that maybe I should work on myself before helping others, that she's working on herself before making a difference. I'm hearing that a lot lately, "Don't do anything now- wait until you're graduated, or successful, or independent." Maybe that's a good point, but I can work on myself while helping people. I need to try, because if I don't, I can't make a start in making it up to myself. To me, this is a way of working on myself. I need to prove that's there's more than just ideas, and that ideas can help.

Nobody gets it, and that makes me feel even more alone than before. I wish I knew more gays here, but I don't because there isn't any kind of way for me to make acquaintance. Mom tells me to make more gay friends, and then we can do something, but I'm shy. I can't just walk up and say, "Hey, we've got an opportunity to actually make a difference, so why don't we take it?" I'm too scared. So I plan, and I imagine, and I hope to some kind of god that in two years, I'll know what I should do. Because I can't do anything right now. I'm a poor college student who lives three days away.

Fuck that. I'm tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing like so many people. I can't do much, but I can try. I can start, and maybe some of my ideas might actually work. I don't want to sit and tell myself all these excuses when that's all they are- just excuses because people don't want to admit that they aren't the kind of person who takes action. Not to say that's bad- I understand. A lot of times, I am that person. But sometimes, I don't want to be, not right now, not for this cause.

Here's my plan. Well, one of them; this is the only one that can be enacted immediately, and that I can participate in even when I'm not at home. It's one of the few that doesn't require me to be there the entire time.
Of course, the catch is that I need a lot of people to help. It can't just be me, and that's going to slow me down, but it won't stop me.

I want to replace every stolen book, and keep replacing them, at the local library.
I can't do it on my own because I don't have the expendable income, or the ability to track down all the books. I want to start a facebook group, or a website, and ask people to donate titles for the library. That way, when a copy is stolen, they've got backups. If it works here, I want to go to other rural libraries. If you read, and want to help, comment. Because I can't do it on my own, but sure as hell I'm going to try.