Unoriginal New Year's List (Please Don't Hate Me)

It's about time for the New Year, and in my lazy mind, that means it's time for a Wrap Up list- which is kinda silly, because how can you summarize a year into ten little sentences? I can't. But I'll try. Just for you. Because I love you all. Or at least three of you. Also, I decided to make this list about things pertaining to romance and LGBT-related things. Because this is an LGBT blog. Or at least it tries to be.

Things I Learned This Year

The rainbow is the boring part not making your eyes bleed.

1. Sexuality, gender identity, and romantic identity are varied, colorful things that are super flexible, very interchangeable and extremely interesting.  It's a kaleidoscope, not just a rainbow. Which is awesome. This year, I've met a multitude of people trying to figure out who they like, how they like these people, and who they themselves are. Do they like men or women or trans or queer-gendered peoples? Do they want to fuck them, or fall in love with them, or just cuddle? Do they like more than one person at a time, and can that work? Are they the gender they thought they were, or are they really the opposite? Maybe none of those definitions fit them, and they realize they're queer. And then we have the whole "what word do I want to use thing" but I'll hit that in its very own post... Here's my point. Rainbows are the international sign of the LGBTTQ community, because it shows all these lovely colors and represents that sexuality exists in a spectrum (or that's how I've always heard it). But sexuality and identity is not just a gradient or continuum- it's a kaleidoscope. You mix and match until you have finally reached what you are, what you see yourself as and how you're comfortable. Some people can look at the rainbow and point at a place and say, "yep, I'm a bi-guy. Bisexual, biromantic, monogamous, cis-gendered male!" But there's a lot of people who look at it and say, "hmm. I'm a cis-gendered female, I think, for now. No wait, I think I'm more queer-gendered. I'm interested in women-sexually, and I'm panromantic. I think." I don't think that's the best way to illustrate my point- but I'm not sure how. The world isn't made of gays, lesbians, bis, and straights. Even if you add trans, it's still too narrow. It's made up of all these little hue-differences and color contrasts and every single person is always changing, and every single person is different and different in how they change. We all our own little kaleidoscopes, and we make up the LGBT community, which is its own kaleidoscope, and that fits into the world which is the biggest and most complex and beautiful kaleidoscope we can't even imagine. That's why the world is so fucking awesome! 

Go to this shop and wallow in color.

2. I'm gay. Or something like it. And my sexuality isn't nearly as simple as I wish it could be. I entered 2011 as a bi-girl with a boyfriend who I did love, I think. Maybe it's more accurate to say I wanted to love him because he loved me. And in the extremely messy confusing carnage of our relationship bursting into flames, I decided I must be gay. I knew I wasn't all that sexually interested in men, and not all that romantically interested. But later, I began wondering- I find some men attractive. Am I aesthetically attracted to men, then? Maybe. Some I would maybe date. Am I bi? Nope. Right now, I'm calling it "homoflexible" with every aspect- way more interested in women sexually and romantically, but for a very few men, I could swing the other way too (for the record, I'm looking at this as the gender they identify as. And I'm nearly always attracted to queer-gendereds). I'm probably polyamorous, but that's in theory. The whole thing is a giant question mark that I alternately am obsessed with understanding and trying to ignore.

3. I love my friends more than I love my boy/girlfriend- and that teaches me that I want a strong friendship in my next relationship. Let's face it, having someone to snuggle and kiss and hold hands with is really super nice. But this year, I realized that the most important thing to me is my friends. And when the person I'm snuggling has issues with the people I love, well, they're the ones to go. There was more to that break up than "She had issues with my friends" but for some reason, that's what really cemented it for me. Not that I was being manipulated and hurt, or that she was jealous of everything in my life, but that she wanted to ditch my friends and stop loving them for her. They have been there with me in my darkest moments- which I have had a lot of this year- and I would do anything to be with them for theirs. I love my friends, and even if the sun literally shone out of a girl's ass, if she didn't get why my friends are important to me, she either needs to figure it out or leave. Immediately. I want a girlfriend who I love because we've got more than a physical connection- I want to be friends with her and build on that. And it took three terrible relationships for me to figure that out, because I'm pretty much an idiot.

4. I can be alone and I am happy that way. Picturing yourself alone in the future isn't something to be ashamed of. No, really. Since I was a little kid, I imagined me doing super awesome things- doing book-signings, opening the best bookshop ever, opening the best bakery ever, helping people, whatever else- and I thought about doing every single one of those things with no husband (or wife). Even when I was with someone, it took real effort to imagine a life with them. But they said they imagined one with me, so I claimed I did to. This is a theme in my life- I was always ashamed that I never really imagined a wedding. So I pretended I did. I'm not talking just as a kid, this still happens- even in my last relationship, I only once could imagine actually living with her. I tell myself that if I'm meant to be with someone in the forever way, it will come naturally and I won't have to try to imagine it. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But why am I so ashamed that I don't really think of weddings and rings? I'm independent, stubborn and kinda insane. I think of doing these dreams and living alone above my bakery/bookshop because it's my dream, not someone else's. I didn't come up with this goal with someone else, it's all mine. When I think of my life, it's mine, not tied entirely with someone else's, and I wouldn't be upset if it were someday. But right now, I don't imagine being with anybody in the soulmate way, and for me, right now, it works. Because I'm happy, and I'm not Forever Alone, and I don't ever feel like I could be.


5. I will never be able to satisfactorily define myself, and I am constantly changing in nearly every way. It's not that I'm all that confusing, as much as I joke about it. I bet to a lot of people, I'm pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, I don't see myself from that lens, I have to look at me from the inside, and that view is pretty confusing. I do confuse people, but mostly, I'm the one who is really and truly confused. Yet, I'm starting to get comfortable with it- I don't really know what I'm going to be thinking today or how I want to do things tomorrow, but I know a few things about me just won't change, even though nearly everything else is on a fluid scale. Trying to define myself isn't what I should be trying to do, at least not right now, and not in a concrete way.

6. Being friends with an ex is actually not that hard in practice. In fact, it's much easier than dating them. I've tried several times to be friends with my exes, and it both failed for different reasons. The first, we simply drifted apart- we had both changed so much that we didn't have enough to be friends anymore. Good guy, though. The second... well, a friendship with him is very one sided, and our relationship was too. He rules every conversation and never asks how you're doing. It's hard to give a damn about someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Plus, there's a lot of regret about the whole thing on my side, and probably on his too. That can't help. But now, my last ex- we should have been friends. We shouldn't have dated, we should have been friends. I can see that, and so can she. It was a rocky friendship at the beginning (me and my friends were all pretty sure she was trying to get me as a fuck buddy), but now, we're both comfortable in it, and neither of us wants more of the other than friendship.That's nice.

7. Love is one of those things that can't be defined easily, and it's also one of those things that can send me into an animated thirty-minute long rant. (That may or may not happen on here in the near future). Any more explanation will be done in the form of it's own blog post.

8. Never try to date someone who has the opposite music taste of you. It may not end the relationship, but it sure as hell won't help. Nothing else to say on that one.

My gaydar was broken in the box it came in.

9. Gaydar may not be something you're born with, but it's not an easy skill to learn either. Unless you happen to be one of those magical people who has a gaydar even though they have no good reason to need on (I'm looking at you Bestie. It's so not fair.). I've been working on mine and all, but it's still hit or miss. I go based on how they dress or act and such. Bestie pointed me out as totally gay when I was still passing as straight to pretty much everyone else.

10. If you think you've untangled your life, you are very wrong. And that's not all that bad. Lives are meant to be messy and tangled. As long as the knot isn't in your chest, your throat, or your head, you'll be okay.

According to google, all kings smoke. Also,
they are all fashion models with pompadours
and no five o'clock shadow.

And that's it. I learned other things, too, I guess, but they aren't worth mentioning. I do feel like I'm leaving this year better than I entered it, and I'm ready to learn more. I'm more confident, and I've made so many mistakes that now I'm more prepared to not make the same ones again. So, here's some resolutions for 2012-

1. Don't say you "I love you too" unless you do, even if it might hurt them. Don't get caught up in the moment, and don't feel pressured to lie or they'll get hurt- get caught in that pressure, and both of you will be ripped to shreds later.

2. Don't let people make your decisions for you. It's your life, and what works for you and the lessons you need to learn are different from anyone else's.

3. Drag it up, babes.