Well, hello ladies and gents. May I pour you a drink? Are you enjoying the fireplace? I hope you like Barry White. His voice makes me feel all tingly inside.
So, I've been away and it made me sad in my cardiac muscle. I'm still a little messed up in the head, and that is why the lovely Geekette has agreed to edit this, or at least make sure I'm not as much of an idiot.
I don't have a review today, but I'm working on a few for the coming weeks. No, sexy people, today is more of a mish mash of things. Not even the emo-mopey things, just thoughts.
So, lots has been happening since October, but there's only a few things of note. Firstly, my various maladies are getting fixed, and weirdly, that's causing a change in my personality and state of mind. Second, since I'm not in school, my conversation has ended up being with a few extremely awesome people, as opposed to a vast amount of mediocrity. Third, oh my golden Jesus nipples, I absolutely cannot stand living with my parents for this long.
As conversations are wont to do, some of mine have got me thinking. A conversation with Geekette has made me think more about LGBTQ authors, artists, and film directors, and how they choose to portray the gays. Whether stereotypes are followed, how they might be subverted, what actors portray what roles and how filming techniques or writing styles can really reveal what the director or author was thinking about the whole thing. This fascinates me, because everything can be interpreted in so many ways. Maybe a stereotype is used out of ignorance, or maybe it's because that's the only way an audience can understand. Maybe that stereotype is being used in a realistic way, because some gays can be stereotypical, or is it being used as a hollow shell? What if the character is following a stereotype, but doesn't actually fit the stereotype, leading to an interesting self-discovery idea? See, this is why I try not to watch movies with people. I drive them absolutely fucking crazy. Exception being Geekette.
Because I am a young adult, and as such am completely self-centered, I began to consider how this effects me. When I first came out, I slipped into a lot of stereotypes, some of them out of genuine interest, some out of a sense that I should be the stereotype, and some from "why the hell not?" And since then, there's been a lot of fucking around on my part- I try things, change styles, make ridiculous decisions and am in general ridiculous. I don't fit very many stereotypes on a surface, surprisingly. Most people who meet me have no idea how to take me. I can watch the thoughts on their faces as easily as the clouds in the sky. It's sometimes easier for me to dress like a dyke, and put an exclamation point on all my dykey interests- "See my flannel? My big ass combat boots and cargo pants? I like to build things, and and do yard work and I like really big dogs! I can punch and wrestle with the guys and I'm not the one hurting!" But I also like wearing skirts and heels and frilly things, and that shows off the girly side- "I love makeup and doing my nails! I can do your hair and watch any chick flick! I sew and bake and love fluffy kitties and shiny things!" All those things are true, and in the end, I'm in a weird place. I fit a lot of stereotypes, at the same time. I dance along the border of stereotypes, but at the same time, I'm not androgynous, either.
This morning, I've summed up myself as such- I am both a drag queen and a drag king.
I was talking with another friend about masculine clothing and identity- gender bending and all that fun stuff. And I want to try (I love men's clothing) but at the same time, I could see myself dragging as a queen, too. I like the idea of impersonating every feminine thing on earth as exaggeratedly possible, connecting with the inner princess inside who's full of blushing and batting eyelashes, but I also want to connect with my inner manly man, someone who wears really good hats, a nice vest and suit, and a damn good tie. How does one deal with this? I've tried dressing as I'd like to- bizarre as the differences may be, to me it seems comfortable and a good idea to be fluffy girl one day and masculine the next- but that is difficult because people don't really understand it. Hell, they don't even understand the girlishness of me, let alone that I can be masculine too. At home, I tone both sides down as much as possible, because if I don't, I tend to alarm my dad.
Being a stubborn bitch, I'm almost taking it as a challenge. I've gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it would really be all that bad to confuse people some more. Sure, I might be a walking rainbow flag as it is (though I've sure as hell seen gayer people than me), but if I'm not having fun with my clothes, then what's the point? No point at all. After all, clothing is nothing more than decoration, at most advertisement. What I advertise is "there's more than meets the eye." Or, "She might be really fucking weird at first, but at least she's amusing!"
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