I am going to go ahead and say that I really really like being out. If you are in the closet, come out as soon as you can. You'll like it. You can look at asses! You can make lezzie jokes! If you find a cute girl you like who's gay, you can ask her out! I am in love with being out... I hate to say it, but I am about one step short of waving a rainbow flag.
I hate to say it not because I hate rainbows (I fucking love rainbows, and not just because I have pride), but because I don't want to be that girl. The one who hates men, shaves her head, stops shaving, and aggressively asserts her lady-lovin' in every conversation. The kind who has a billion rainbow pins and "I like pussy!" shirts. I don't mind people who do these things- but it's not for me. I know my head would look nasty shaved (it is flat because I am clumsy and have hit my head on that many ceilings/walls/colorguard flags/colorguard rifles/anything that could possibly hit my head). I don't want to terrify any possible new friends, male or female, in any way. I really, really, don't want to be so obviously the baby dyke I am. I went to the LGBT center with some friends the other night, and hated being there because I felt so damn obviously new. Same with these "Lesbian Meetings" I used to go to. It was fun hanging with other girls-who-liked-girls, but I felt really awkward much of the time. Now I'm fully out and more comfortable with who I am (and I know the girls better, they aren't so much strangers) it might be fun to go back to those meetings. Maybe. If I ever had the courage to go back to them.
Back to the point. Why am I so worried about coming off as too baby dykish? My best friend said it best- "You're a baby dyke, just enjoy it!" Except I feel I am fulfilling a stereotype if I do push my dykiness.
Here's the deal, though. Lately, I'm not doing lezzie things because I want to look more lesbian. I'm doing them because a lot of these things are impulses I've pushed away in my desperate attempts to appear straight, and later, to appear bi.
I hiked and camped because it was how I bonded with my mom and dad. When I started doing these things alone, it was "out of habit" or "to be healthy" or "too think." Camping/hiking/liking the smell of the forest in the rain made me afraid that someone would notice and call me out. Pretty chicks on my walls? "I want to look like them" or "I admire the artisticness of the photo/painting." Didn't look away when girls were topless in movies or making out? I wasn't interested, it was just that I was "raised by artists, so this doesn't bother me." From twelve on, I had excuses for every possibly lesbian thing that could exist, and if I could, I avoided them! I faked looking away, or hid the photos. I had "crushes" on boys- the ones I faked liking were just the boys everyone else liked, and the ones I thought I legitimately liked were always gay- and it never upset me. I heard from someone that lesbians tend to like gay men and vice versa- it's just how it works.
But now! Now I don't have to fake anything. I can wear plaid and camp and indulge in the more dykey things if I really want to...but I'm still afraid, not because I'll give myself away as a gay, but because I don't want to be just another stereotype.
Here's the stereotype of Kathy- the girl who's gay, but doesn't necessarily look it. Likes hates, plaid, wearing cleavage and skirts and heels and converse. Loves puppies and ladies and movies and music. Will spend anywhere between 45 minutes to zero minutes on hair and makeup in the morning. Will fake-flirt with best friends, fake-hump same best friends, and will lose control of motor abilities around actual available lesbians. Is still fucking confused about who she really is, because she has to go on an archeological search to find what's real. There's just been so much lying about who I am, it is going to be tough to find the truth.
The next few months are going to be .... interesting.
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