Coming Out of the (Fashion) Closet

Right now I am looking at the cutest sight ever... Three of my friends are sleeping/relaxing on the beds under the warmth of Christmas lights. It sounds boring and normal, but it is adorable. Especially the two (they are fag and hag, you just don't separate fags from hags) curled up on one bed, snuggling. D'awwwwwww!

Anyway... I like shopping, I like sewing, I pay attention to the runways and read fashion magazines. I love clothes in general. Quick, think of a fashion stereotype about lesbians! (It was probably flannel.) But I love clothes! I like looking pretty, wearing fluffy skirts and cleavage-revealing shirts because it's fun! For the longest time, I didn't because I was super self-conscious about my legs. Well, about my entire body, it's just that legs are what's revealed by skirts. Hence, my lifetime of jeans and skirts only when I'm feeling brave or desperate.

The other day, I decided that would stop. I was going to wear skirts, damnit! And I was going to like it! No more wimping our of showing off my gams! It's spring and skirts are not only in season, but far more comfortable than jeans, so out the skirts come!

Which of course, in my baby dyke mind, led to worries. What if possible ladies don't think I'm gay because of my skirts and heels? I already heels almost every day, whether they're boots or pumps, they are definitely high heeled. Ironic, since I used to stop wearing things that I thought made me look lesbian.

Again, enough is enough. I'm not going to dress a certain way just because I'm afraid of looking too dykey or not dykey enough. I am going to play with my style, open myself up to all the styles I never tried or ones I rejected. If I like it, it will get worn. The skirts and trench coats and plaid shirts and combat boots and fedoras and low cut shirts are all coming out of the closet, just like me.

Of course, whether or not I actually am brave enough to try these styles is yet to be seen.

Adventures in Online Dating, P II

This is clearly going to be an ongoing theme, I can see. That is just because... well, I'm a shy moherfucker and talking to available girls is so much easier when we're not face to face and they can't hear the inevitable stuttering. True story- when I'm around a lot of girls, and I know they're single- I pretend they are all very straight and taken. Only way I can interact confidently around large groups of them, or even coherently with one or two very cute ones. Otherwise, I will be a stuttering, blushing mess and I'm pretty sure it's not attractive when you can't tell what I'm saying.

Anywhoo, recently I've started doing Okcupid.com. Several friends I know have had good luck with it, and I can see why- it's a lot more active than a lot of other dating sites than I have seen, and it keeps you interested- updated matches often, easy communication, questions to answer that map your personality, and chat all on the page. I am a whore for those questions, I always find it cool to see how services map my personality (apparently I am adventurous, kind, pure, and suck at math). So far I've actually had a lot of luck: shall we compare the results?

SweetOnGeeks- Where I met two past boyfriends, one of whom I am still friends with and the other I am more or less acquaintances.

Right now, I am talking to a guy who gets we can only be friends, but he gets on my nerves because he types "uh" a lot. You are on the internet, sir, don't type it! You are actually making an effort to sound as if you have no idea about anything ever... the cute little shy guy act might make you ladies, but it annoys the crap out of potential friends.

I was talking to a person I think is FtM trans (female to male) because when they first messaged me, their profile said female looking for females. Now it says male looking for females. Furthermore, an earlier post said she had a female name and was going through a hard time, and his facebook has a male name. Probably in transition... nice guy though. Hasn't emailed back in a while, but I hope he's doing well.

Clearly, an issue is that it's mostly straight-orientated, so I get approached by guys, even though I stated I only want girls. Anyway, not very many people actually check the site, so requests, messages and winks appear to just get forgotten.

Lesbotronic- I emailed a couple of girls, but they never emailed me back. A major failing is that you use your personal email to email them directly, and I think the unrecognized address gets deleted or sent to spam. I'll update, if necessary, but I don't think anyone is going to email me back from this site. Pity, they were cute and we had the same interests. 

OKCupid-  Right now, I am talking to several girls:
A 23 year old femme butch with a kid who lives pretty close to me. I am not interested in her as a girlfriend- I mean, she has a kid, and that isn't something I really want in my life. She's nice though, and I think she might be a good friend to have. 


A 19 year old genderqueer who seems to be on the side of butch things at the moment. I'm attracted to her because she's funny, playful, and we have a lot of the same interests. She also lives pretty close to me, but I don't think close enough to be in contact immediately. I think she's cute in a cuddly way- not really hot, but not ugly either. My friends disagree, but I'll come back to that. 


A 21 year old butch girl who also lives fairly close, but she's in school somewhere else. We haven't gotten to talk much, but from what I can tell she's funny, loves music, and we have a lot of the same interests. I hate to say it, but she's not that attractive. Her sweetness more than makes up for it though, which surprises me. I would still prefer to have her as a friend though. I think right now, I'm looking more for friends, anyway.


A 21 year old femme butch who lives really far away. She's hilarious, playful, really compassionate and again, we like most of the same things. She's the most attractive of the girls I've talked to by far (I think around a seven and a half) but again, my friends the straight girls think she's a five or six. 


I've decided to chalk this up to several different things- I have different taste than they do anyway. They tend to like more girlishness (and I'm talking across the board, in dress, design, etc.) while I just like it to feel fresh and comfortable. Therefore, they gravitate towards feminine looking girls- they were quizzing me on celebs I found hot, and I realized they were mostly mentioning ones that were super-girly. Furthermore, they were saying I was wrong when I didn't like some of them- but it's a matter of personal taste. Also, they are straight! They look for beauty- I look for who I could have a good relationship with, and while I wouldn't go for ugly, I know my chances of a super model are slim at best, and I would prefer someone who makes me laugh and that I want to cuddle over a hot girl that annoys me. 


They claimed that the 80/20 (eighty percent of lesbians are ugly and twenty percent are hot, apparently) doesn't apply because I'm in the twenty and could get another cute girl. Except I'm not. I'm plain, not pretty, not ugly, just forgettable. And it doesn't matter to me. I kinda don't like that they judge my choices based on looks anyway. I mean, c'mon, I don't judge your boyfriends, I just agree with the judgment you already made. You know best, you are the ones who ogle menfolk. I know best about lesbians- I'm the one who ogles them.


And this is why I want a trusted lezzie friend- as much as I love my straight girls and gay guys, I don't really trust their choices of ladies. They simply don't look at them the same way I do.

Lost as a Lesbo

I am going to go ahead and say that I really really like being out. If you are in the closet, come out as soon as you can. You'll like it. You can look at asses! You can make lezzie jokes! If you find a cute girl you like who's gay, you can ask her out! I am in love with being out... I hate to say it, but I am about one step short of waving a rainbow flag.

I hate to say it not because I hate rainbows (I fucking love rainbows, and not just because I have pride), but because I don't want to be that girl. The one who hates men, shaves her head, stops shaving, and aggressively asserts her lady-lovin' in every conversation. The kind who has a billion rainbow pins and "I like pussy!" shirts. I don't mind people who do these things- but it's not for me. I know my head would look nasty shaved (it is flat because I am clumsy and have hit my head on that many ceilings/walls/colorguard flags/colorguard rifles/anything that could possibly hit my head). I don't want to terrify any possible new friends, male or female, in any way. I really, really, don't want to be so obviously the baby dyke I am. I went to the LGBT center with some friends the other night, and hated being there because I felt so damn obviously new. Same with these "Lesbian Meetings" I used to go to. It was fun hanging with other girls-who-liked-girls, but I felt really awkward much of the time. Now I'm fully out and more comfortable with who I am (and I know the girls better, they aren't so much strangers) it might be fun to go back to those meetings. Maybe. If I ever had the courage to go back to them.

Back to the point. Why am I so worried about coming off as too baby dykish? My best friend said it best- "You're a baby dyke, just enjoy it!" Except I feel I am fulfilling a stereotype if I do push my dykiness.
Here's the deal, though. Lately, I'm not doing lezzie things because I want to look more lesbian. I'm doing them because a lot of these things are impulses I've pushed away in my desperate attempts to appear straight, and later, to appear bi.
I hiked and camped because it was how I bonded with my mom and dad. When I started doing these things alone, it was "out of habit" or "to be healthy" or "too think." Camping/hiking/liking the smell of the forest in the rain made me afraid that someone would notice and call me out. Pretty chicks on my walls? "I want to look like them" or "I admire the artisticness of the photo/painting." Didn't look away when girls were topless in movies or making out? I wasn't interested, it was just that I was "raised by artists, so this doesn't bother me." From twelve on, I had excuses for every possibly lesbian thing that could exist, and if I could, I avoided them! I faked looking away, or hid the photos. I had "crushes" on boys- the ones I faked liking were just the boys everyone else liked, and the ones I thought I legitimately liked were always gay- and it never upset me. I heard from someone that lesbians tend to like gay men and vice versa- it's just how it works.

 But now! Now I don't have to fake anything. I can wear plaid and camp and indulge in the more dykey things if I really want to...but I'm still afraid, not because I'll give myself away as a gay, but because I don't want to be just another stereotype.

Here's the stereotype of Kathy- the girl who's gay, but doesn't necessarily look it. Likes hates, plaid, wearing cleavage and skirts and heels and converse. Loves puppies and ladies and movies and music. Will spend anywhere between 45 minutes to zero minutes on hair and makeup in the morning. Will fake-flirt with best friends, fake-hump same best friends, and will lose control of motor abilities around actual available lesbians. Is still fucking confused about who she really is, because she has to go on an archeological search to find what's real. There's just been so much lying about who I am, it is going to be tough to find the truth.
The next few months are going to be .... interesting.

Online Dating-Lesbo style!

Alright there, penguins, I have something to admit- I am a veteran of online dating. I'm not cut up in a garbage can, I haven't been raped, no horror stories here. Just the simple truth- if you're scared of trying to find people, shy, have a terrible gaydar, or just too busy to go find romance, online dating is easier. I've actually been doing it for a year now, and I've met two guys.

Guy one thought I was straight (I was trying to deny my inner dyke) and there was a messy breakup when I came out as bi. We're talking as friends now, which isn't so bad... he wasn't a bad guy, it was just that me trying to figure out my sexuality was hard on both of us. Guy number two knew I was bi, and we had a grand ole time talking, iming, and generally being good friends. There was romance and all. Too bad that when we met, I realized I wasn't sexually interested in him- in any guy at all actually. That was a pretty messy breakup too, but a week later we went back to being tight friends. So what I'm saying- it isn't a bad idea, and it can be fun, and if you're lucky, like me, it will lead to lasting friendships. If you are super-lucky, like several people I know, online dating might even lead to online love!

Okay, here's the deal. Eharmony isn't bad, but you have to pay. In fact, you have to pay on most dating sites. Fortunately, I found two that are completely free, and really good. The first is for everyone, straight, gay, trans, whatever- and best of all it caters to the nerds! Sweet On Geeks (sweetongeeks,com) is awesome if you want some nerdy lovin, or are a nerd looking for love. It's how I met those two guy friends, and now I'm using it to meet more friends who might even be more than friends. There's places where you can talk about your nerdy interests with other people, you can message on the site and send "winks" to people you think are cute (and these winks are specifically tailored to the geeks, of course) and it gives you ample space to describe yourself and put up pictures so other people can learn a bit about you before making a move (or while responding to a move you made).

Here's one for the lesbians- Lesbotronic.com is completely free and allows you email them directly to their personal email. The privacy is fantastic, you're profile can't be viewed by the public, or even girls who don't match your search results. Your search results are limited by city, which can be difficult, if you want friends from all over the place, like me. The solution? Join groups! You can see everyone's profile in those groups, and you know that if they're there, they have at least on interest in common with you. Of course, there are many many more site out there, but these two are tried and trusted by yours truly, and they're completely free.


It should go without saying that if you are going to contact anyone on the internet, and let them contact you, you need to keep your safety in mind. My favorite way of checking? I Facebook stalk. If you can see their personal email, search it on Facebook- same with name and username. Meeting in a private place by yourself is just stupid, though if you bring a friend, let the possible date know so they aren't confused.
I hate having to type this sort of stuff- it's pretty elementary, and I think most people know about dating sites they might want to use, or they just don't want to. For the record, the stigma of online dating is beginning to fade- people don't judge as much as they used to, and why would they? More of our society is becoming based on the interwebs, it's just how things have evolved. The biggest comfort in online dating is that you can talk to and learn a lot about possible partners long before you meet them. In the real world, it would take time to really feel as if you know a person, but online, everyone's a lot less skittish about telling the truth- the embarrassing ones. Of course, it's also a lot easier to lie online, too, and you have to be careful about it. In the end, though, it is all on the individual to be as cautious as possible. Good luck if you want to try it!

A Brief Introduction

Hey there rockstars, I'm your host, Kathy.  I am a real-life, confused queer girl though, not a robot. If you haven't guessed from the title, this blog will be primarily about gayness and what it's like to be a brand-new just-out-of-the-closet lesbian.

I happen to be in a common situation. Since I was twelve, I knew I liked girls. They were pretty, and cute, and I knew I was more interested in the ladies than a girl should be. I thought I liked boys too. I resigned myself to just ignoring the part that liked girls, since I come from a pretty conservative town in a conservative state. Then I finally decided to come out of the closet at 19. I was in a serious relationship with a boy. I thought I was bi, and that's what I told people. That guy and I broke up (it's a long story), and I ended up with a new guy. He was great- we talked all the time, and eventually we decided he should come for a visit. Long story short, being with him made me realize I may not be bi- I might just be 100% a dyke.

Of course, now I'm confused. Am I gay? Am I bi? Who the fuck knows? I'm twenty, now, and I want to be more gay. I want to make friends who aren't gay boys and straight girls (I'm pretty femme.) I want to improve my gaydar(it sucks). I want to make lezzie friends, maybe even a girlfriend, and in general just be happy with who I am.

I write this blog because I want to see how I change. Having a blog will make it easier for me to push myself out of my comfort zone. And maybe some other confused little gay will come across this and my own confusion will make them feel better, or inspire them. I don't mean inspire as in "I want to be like Kathy!", I mean, I'll post links to helpful sites as I find them and maybe they'll help you too. Or someone you know.

Or maybe this little experiment will just lurk in the dusty corners of the interwebs. Oh well. I'll post all about internet dating tomorrow!