So, I'm home for the summer, and as I said in my last blog, a lot has happened. What I didn't say is just how much of that stuff is little things revolved around me being out. I knew it would suck balls, but I was concerned more about my psycho-Christian friends who are convinced gays go to hell and would try to save me. I was worried about my family's continued acceptance, and getting used to, my sexuality. But I didn't really think about how much the little things would hurt.
Last summer, this was pretty similar in that there were lots of offensive but somewhat innocent comments, but they didn't know. Now they do, and they are trying so hard that when the offensive comments happen, I can't just shut it out. And calling people on slamming you is the hardest thing to do on earth when its your sister, or you dad, and you've spent so long smiling that they don't see it's still you when you're crying.
I have long suspected, but now can prove that my sister, beloved and idolized, is a closet homophobe. Or at least super, super, uncomfortable with it and not all that willing to change. She uses "gay" to mean stupid all the time, and refuses to stop, saying its just a joke and she means nothing by it. She likes to say how she loves the gays and all, bring out me and that one gay guy everyone befriended to say they could as examples. She uses broad stereotypes and tells me all the time how I don't have to start acting like a dyke just because I like chicks. (I still dress more feminine and wear more makeup than she does, so I don't know what's so dyke about me...) Trying to call this girl out on being a bitch is impossible because everything's a joke and she's so used to charming that it's easier to let the insult slide than correct her. Insult after insult gets by, just because I'm too scared to call her out again.
My dad is much better, surprisingly. He's still "getting [my] arms around it," as he says, but the point is he's trying. He doesn't assume he knows what's up in the LGBT world, and asks me questions. Good ones, like "Who's the man?" ("Neither of us, that's just how it looks when you see a butch and a femme together. We both have a lot of feminine qualities and even some masculine ones.") "If you get married, what will you wear?" ("She'll wear what she feels most comfortable in, and I am going to wear the fluffiest dress I can find, of course." I like my dresses with extra poof!) He actually really like my girlfriend, even asking when she was coming back. He got upset when he forgot there were gay jokes in Blazing Saddles and tried to protect me and my girl from hate when we were rolling around town. He wants me to be happy, and safe, and he free from offense. He tries almost too hard, but I'm just happy he's trying at all, and even getting more accepting that it's his little girl holding hands with the bulldyke.
My mom is the best- she's an artist, and so it was easiest for her to accept that I was a lesbian since she's been friends with gays before. It was hard for her to get used to it, and she asks a lot of questions but its a lot better than her assuming she knows all about it. Like Dad, she has a tendency to be too politically correct- when making a broad statement about relationships, she's quick to qualify that its the same with hetero and homo. I talk the most to her- with anyone else I can't talk about fights because I'm afraid that a fight with my girlfriend will make them think "Of course, I knew gays couldn't really be happy."
My best friend at home is... Well. I don't know. She was seriously questioning and closeted, now she seems to be reacting wildly against it. I mention a funny story that happened to feature two girls, and she corrected me. When I reinstated that yeah, it was a girl trying to get a girl's number, she muttered "ew". There was nobody around she could have been posturing for, so I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself she's not gay, is hurt I have found love, or what. I feel bad for her, but at the same time... I can't handle her dissing me and my relationship. However, she's starting to make an effort, so I still hope.
Actually, due to interesting developments, she gets her very own post, in a few hours.
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