I told you she'd get her very own post, and here it is. Speaking of posts, I know I seem to be posting a lot right now, but its the best way to untangle my weary head. When home, I'm not very social- too shy to approach old friends for the most part- and I like having the time to think, sew and get all the things I'm too busy to do during school done.
Last night, we hung out, and it was unusual for us. We have a pattern, you see. She picked me up and we went to walmart for an hour or so (it is the most active hang-out in all of the midwest) and we went to her house. Upstairs to watch a movie, lounging on her bed and eating candy with the door closed, leaving to cruise the strip and get ice cream, talking, talking, walking, talking. What shocks me (other than the conversation) is the complete lack of tension.
Last year, before I came out and there was some questioning of hers (on her part), there was so much tension, you could have cut it with a butter knife. We watched movies together, all the time, but we moved to the living room instead of her room. We avoided driving at night, and movie theaters. When we watched gay films, I made a conscious effort to remind myself I had a boyfriend. All of this was done by mutual and unspoken agreement. When I came out as bi, not much changed. Now I'm all the way out- and very happily taken, everything has changed.
I don't want her. And she seems to have stopped questioning her sexuality, and settled into "single and straight."
So onwards about our slightly shocking conversation. I straight up said, "You know, if you have questions about me being gay, you can ask. It doesn't bother me." That's half true- sometimes those questions can be offensive, but I much rather clear the air than have hazy speculation and confusion taint the air. Lo and behold, Ms. Biffle had TONS of questions.
"So did you [and your girlfriend] have sex? Was it good?" Oh hell yes.
"How does that... erm... work?" I nearly asked if she had her eyes closed during the sex scenes in But I'm a Cheerleader, but I didn't. I wiggled my fingers and waggled my tongue while laughing. It seemed pretty obvious to me- even as a wee little closet case who didn't do searches on lesbian porn, I knew how it worked. When she looked at me all confused, I explained that we used fingers and tongue. "That's all?" Yup. Now I realize that she was probably wondering about scissoring, but let's face it, that only works if you're A) super skinny B) super sensitive and C) Not interested in your partner's boobs or kisses. It's pretty much just a fantasy. (Yes, I've heard of some girls who swear by it, but I've never met them.)
"But how's that real sex? I mean, there's no penis!" Ooh shit. I never know how to say it, or if I should even try to convince the believers of "No Penis, Not Real Sex" that if is very, very real sex. Do I say it's real to me? That I don't like dick, so this is better than "real" sex? I went with "Well, Biffle, it's as close to your definition of real sex as I want to get." Still bothers me. Lesbian sex is real. There's pleasure and orgasms. There's love and lust and 'penetration'. Maybe someday, she'll get it. Or not. Whatever.
"How are your parents taking it?" That one makes me happy. She wasn't just satisfying curiosity, she gives a damn about how coming out actually affects me and my family. Same with questions about how I'm doing with discrimination, and whether there's a gay community here. She was surprised that I've had very few problems, and those only with frat boys, and more surprised that there's a bunch of ze fags in a medium sized midwestern town, but no real community.
Like my sister said- "Around here, folks don't care who you fuck, as long as they aren't black or Mexican."
(True, and still pretty sad.)
She should also add that as long as you don't want more rights, you're fine.
The big question- "Are you happy?" This is big because it really is the most important. Am I happy being an open lesbian here? Am I happy not pretending, and not being with boys? Am I happy feeling a little lost and a little hopeless? Honestly, yes. Of course. I love someone who loves me for who I am. I love getting to figure out who I am. I don't have to pretend anymore, or not as much. There's bad times, there's confusion, there's a lot of problems, but there always was. Just now, I can figure it out better. I didn't say all that, though. I just said yes, I'm very happy. Maybe I should have said more, maybe not.
Another biggie- "Do you think you two will last?" Actually yes. I've lied about every relationship in the past, convincing myself that I could do it, be with a guy, I could force love to exist. But I don't have to try. I just am in love and happy. I can safely think we'll stay together, and when we talk about it, I don't wonder if its a lie. If it doesn't last, I won't regret being with her. But I feel it will. I know it's real. I thought before answering, and carefully said that I feel it will, because I don't have to try and convince myself I love her.
Ms. Biffle then did something very surprising- she gave an expected time before we get married. I laughed- I think three years is a little soon, personally. Plus weddings take a while to plan. But she stands by it. I don't know, maybe she knows something I don't. I'm glad we talked, and I'm glad we opened that avenue of conversation.
For all we say we're bffs and what not, we've never been the kind to confide in each other. It's changing, now. Which is good. She needs someone to talk to, and sometimes, so do I. I have a lot of best friends, it seems, but geographical distance matters more than anyone really wants to admit.
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