Music Review- Sleater-Kinney

Oh sweet matzo balls yes! I have found a lesbo band that I can listen to indefinitely and has absolutely no acoustic guitar. Sleater-Kinney, if you didn't know, is a riot grrl band that went on hiatus in 2006. They are very feminist, very political and very fun to dance to. Now, I had a nagging problem of dancing when I should have been listening carefully, but my biggest problem was that the lyrics are somewhat hard to hear through the veils of guitar, drums, and a slight bit of distortion due to my shitty speakers. I looked up the lyrics, and it was worth it- every song is thought out thoroughly and nicely poetic, but also enjoyable to listen to.

Corin Tucker, Janet Weiss and Carrie Brownstein. Hot times three.

Yes, I said every song. I didn't dislike a single song in six albums. That has to be a record for me. I listened to all the albums four or so times each, just trying to narrow my favorites down. I definitely advise anyone who likes rock to listen to Sleater-Kinney.


Sleater-Kinney, 1995. "The Day I Went Away", "A Real Man", "Her Again".
Snarky and gritty but so, so danceable. This is punk how I like it- passionate, slightly grungy and you feel like you need to be dancing with a bunch of sweaty people with a beer in your hand. I don't even drink beer... but this album kinda makes me want to. "A Real Man" is a breathless, rocking litany of all the shit you get to hear from drunken rednecks, with a chorus of what I am politely proclaiming.

Call The Doctor, 1996. "Call the Doctor", "Stay Where You Are", "Good Things"
Again, a great album for wishing you were dancing among a throng of people. "Stay Where You Are" and "Good Things" are catchy to sing along to, and you can feel what she's feeling. Or at least you feel like you might be able to feel the same thing she can feel. I am now banned from the word "feel".

Dig Me Out, 1997. "One More Hour", "Turn It On", "Dance Song '97"
Oh man, got caught dancing like an idiot to this album. My girlfriend was on video camera and I thought she was reading something while I danced to my headphones. Nope. She saw me dancing like a fool.

The Hot Rock, 1999. "The End of You", "Banned From the End of the World", "Memorize Your Lines"
This is when I noticed, I mean sat down and paid close attention to, the way their voices intertwine- a nice quiet singing voice actually stands out far more than the usual shout-singing that graces most of the tracks, and it plays with your ears. Which I love.

All Hands on the Bad One, 2000. "The Ballad of a Ladyman", "All Hands on the Bad One", "You're No Rock 'n Roll Fun"
I have nothing to say that wouldn't be repetitive, so click the song links and dance, bitch. Especially "All Hands on the Bad One".

One Beat, 2002. "One Beat", "Oh!", "Funeral Song", "Prisstina"I really really  love "Oh!". I am dancing in my seat to it right now. Again. And again.

The Woods, 2005. "Wilderness", "What's Mine Is Yours", "Jumpers"
Oh man, I wasn't going to make "Jumpers" a favorite, but then I heard it, and suddenly it was my absolute favorite. I guess I wasn't listening all the other times.

Well, that's Sleater-Kinney, and my god do I love this band. Their sound doesn't differ much from album to album, though you could say they get a little more commercial with the last two albums. I love that I can click to any song and find something I can dance to. I did a lot of dancing, and between the grungy guitar and snarky lyrics, the songs end up kinda... sexy. I don't know how, but they pull it off.

Web Comic Review- I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space!!!

Lesbians, pirates, space adventures, fifties, hilariousness, amazing art, loving parodies of sci-fi and pulp fiction- what more could you ask for? I mean, I would totally ask Megan Rose Gedris to marry me if I didn't have a girlfriend and if she didn't specifically thwart my intentions on her info page. I wish I were kidnapped by lesbo-space pirates.

As far as useful lesbian education goes, that isn't going to happen. This is the story of a fifties' girl getting kidnapped by lesbian pirates from another planet, so what do you expect? It is so full of pulpy delightfulness, and my favorite thing is how she worked in lingo in a sci-fi way that fits the universe- for instance, Gaydar isn't a skill you use to find the gays- it's an actual radar to find lesbians, and the best gaydars can find "alpha, beta, gamma and lambda" lesbian thoughts.

Ms. Gedris plays with everything! If she can make a joke out of it, she will, and her jokes are never lame. I giggle and snort a lot when purging the archives, and on that note- while the archives are fairly large, they are set up pretty similarly to old pulp fiction comic books, broken up into issues and chapters with art on those pages. I love the art, too, it is candy for your eyes.

I really admire her dedication- this isn't her only comic (though I haven't finished the others yet, but I will review it when I do), and she even wrote a short story that ties into I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space!!. This is one busy girl, and incredibly talented. So go read her stuff, and then buy it. Then read it again, and buy some more.

Here's all the comics-
I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space!!
Roselarian (her home site)
Le Jardin (NSFW)
Darlin' It's Betta Down Here Where It's Wetta! (NSFW)
Yu+Me Dream
Meaty Yogurt
P.S. to Ms. Gedris, if you ever see this post- Don't kill me for this review, it is a review of love! Lots and lots of love!

Movie Review- "Itty Bitty Titty Committee"

I watched "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" and I am so incredibly confused. First, a quick plot synopsis. So, so many spoilers, mmkay? Proceed with caution.

Anna is a baby dyke who's getting over a nasty break up. She meets Sadie, a feminist activist who runs C(I)A- Clits In Action. They do mostly guerrilla art, some laws broken in the process. Their main point is that men control society and they want that shit to stop. I think it's taken a little far. Anna joins C(I)A because Sadie's hot, she meets the others who begin to warm up to her, at the same time kinda starting something with Sadie, who has an older girlfriend, Courtney. Turns out, Sadie's a tramp and cheats on her girlfriend all the time. Well, things go to shit, the C(I)A disbands over Anna and Sadie's drama and then Anna gets them all together again for a huge, intricate project (without Sadie's help) which goes off without a hitch. Sadie breaks up with Courtney, Anna and Sadie end up together, we have a quick montage telling us where all the girls are now and how happy they are. The end.

Before I begin my rant, I must inform you that what I liked, I really really liked, but the parts I didn't like, I loathed. I loved the music, the dancing scenes, the camera work and style, and all the characters except for Sadie and Anna. If the movie had no Sadie and less Anna, I think I would have really enjoyed the movie. I found myself smiling and laughing at the parts where it's just the girls of the C(I)A interacting and having fun- the energy is high and its hard not to get caught up. But then the drama begins and I lost interest.

As a side note, I noticed that every lesbian in the movie had killer cheekbones. Is this a requirement for dykedom I missed out on? Because it actually holds pretty true in real life, too.

Look at those cheekbones.

I've gone all this time and haven't told you why I'm so confused. Here it is: Are we supposed to like Anna and Sadie as a couple? Are we supposed to like them at all? It appears the filmmakers think so, because they had them as a couple at the end of the movie. Their romance is played up in a "Aww look at the happy couple way" but I can't stop thinking "Look at the cheating bitch and her naive idiot." I wish the movie had ended with Anna saying, "No, no we're not going to be friends with benefits or girlfriends. I need to be single, figure out that I don't want to date cheating whores." It would have been a positive step forward for her, and an interesting way of showing her growth as a character. Instead, she stays as childish throughout the movie as she was at the beginning- her forms of childishness change, sure, but she doesn't really mature or grow in any way. Yet, repeatedly, we hear other (much more mature and well-liked characters) tell her how great a person she is. She's not. Anna remains a selfish, whiny child.

You could argue that this is just supposed to be a fluff movie, but if so, the filmmakers did a terrible job. The supporting characters and some of the themes (self-discovery, the importance of activism) are serious, and handled in a serious manner, but the drama is silly and the protagonists are even sillier. If it's meant to be a love story, it fails at that too. I hate the lovers and I want them to be single, whether out of spite, or because it would be a nice recognition that you can grow as a person without a chick on your arm. Maybe it would work better as a friend story, and on many levels it functions as one, but not just quite. It's under the comedy section, but it's not all that funny, and it isn't filmed like a comedy. "Clerks" wasn't either, but it was hilarious so it got away with it. I just kept wondering what the filmmakers were trying to do- and it seems like they were, too.

So in the end, the movie's worth watching for all the non-Anna and Sadie parts, but then, only barely.

Also, watching the movie inspired me to rant about something else, so that will probably be up in a few days.

Music Review- k.d. lang. I wanna be her. Please?

Due to the incredible massiveness that was Indigo Girls, I realized that I can't do that with k.d. lang. Just too much, and about half of it is country or something that is very, very close to country. I really don't like country, so I'm going to be brave, and listen to the country. However, I'm not going to be all in depth, album by album like Indigo Girls. We're going to go by genres here, and if I feel I need to break it down into specific songs, I will.

Hmm, not bad for country.

Country
I actually sang a little to "Busy Being Blue" (A Truly Western Experience, 1984) and yes, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm even more ashamed that I found myself staring at the wall, entirely enthralled by "Hooked on Junk" (same album). Actually, I'm not ashamed. The song is enchanting in the absolute sense of the word. I also really enjoyed "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" (Shadowland, 1988) for the same reason. Nothing really caught my attention on Angel with a Lariat, 1987, or Absolute Torch and Twang, 1989, but this is 80's country. Two wrongs do not make a right, acoustically.

Not Country
Ingenue, 1992. This is when she massively changed genres and developed her own cult following. This is what people think when they think k.d. Lang. I happen to greatly love the album, and most of the songs on it. I know it's totally cliche but honestly, I wish I had listened to this when I was starting to come out to myself. Her poetry perfectly captures the conflicted feelings I felt, and the way I felt when I did ultimately come out. My absolute faves-
"Save Me" Such a chill and groovy way to begin. It flows into your mind like cool honey and like nearly every song, I can completely understand these lyrics.
"The Mind of Love" The song speaks to me, both emotionally and literally- turns out k.d. lang and I have the same first name.
"Season of Hollow Soul" My mom plays this all the time, it's her favesies.
"Outside Myself" Because it serves to clarify how I always felt, and don't the best songs do that?
"Constant Craving" I always sing to this one and fervently wish I had a voice like hers. It is also the song that makes it to the airways the most often.

Damn, she's past forty and still smoking.

Okay, now for all albums that aren't Ingenue. But I don't wanna. I want to just keep listening to these songs over and over. I've already gone through them all three times. So I'll try to move on.

"Hush Sweet Lover" is the only song I don't hate on the Even Cowgirls Get the Blues soundtrack, 1993 (she did all the music, so I thought I would give it a try.) I had much more success with All You Can Eat, 1995 (yes, I snickered when I typed the title). I listened to the whole album on repeat for a while, before deciding that "Maybe" and "Infinite and Unforeseen" were my favorite tracks. The latter is so nice and dreamy, I think I want to always go to sleep to it. "Extraordinary Thing" and "Curiosity" were the shining stars of Invincible Summer, 2000. "Extraordinary Thing" is basically "You have no idea how incredibly wonderful you are" in song form, and much prettier. "Curiosity" has such a cool rhythm that I couldn't leave it off the list. I felt like Hymns of the 49th Parallel, 2004, was almost too downtempo for me, with a lot of soothing vocals and piano. I loved her version of "Hallelujah", mostly because I always love that song. The only song I liked on Watershed, 2008, was "Thread". Sing It Loud, 2011, was a slightly uncomfortable mix of country and contemporary, but I did find "I Confess" to be nice.

So that's it. My very very quick review of k.d. lang. Between her and the Indigo Girls, I'm twangy-guitared out. It's time for some nice, soothing, metal.  I liked the music, for the most part, but when you listen to several albums straight, it can wear on you. Her voice is absolutely amazing, though, and I suspect I'm going to like it in small doses, but three days straight of any music will wear on you. All You Can Eat and Ingenue were definitely my favorite albums, and the only ones I'm keeping around, aside from a few songs from the other albums.

Blog Review- Effing Dykes, cuz it's fun.

Man, I like music reviews. I'm terrible at it, but practice makes perfect, yes? Unfortunately that means I need to practice other reviews. Today, I shall review a blog.

If you are a lesbian and don't read Effing Dykes, you need to get on the shit immediately. I have a personal problem reading it. I am slightly obsessive and my friends like to joke about me reading the "lesbo blog" or something. I'm not sure what they're saying cuz I'm laughing my ass off at Krista. (Actually, my best friend/roomie- not Ms. Biffle, Ms. QueenBee we're now calling her- she's also obsessed with the blog and she's straight.) It's funny, it's entertaining and educating. It helps a whole hell of a lot with my terrible gaydar (though I can now find a dyke in a small midwestern town in ten minutes flat!). And the best part is she sprinkles it with cute girls. I love cute girls and funny edumacation mixed together, it's my crack.

You can probably tell when I've been reading this blog, I start to sound like her. Oops.

She's hilarious, as I have said, but I can't emphasize it enough. When I first came out as a honest-to-God lesbian, I did it in a stupid way- I was still trying to kinda convince myself it was a phase at the same time being open about it. You want a mindfuck, try that. I fucked my mind so hard it's still recovering four months later. Anyway, I was googling gaydar tips, and up comes Effing Dykes.

I finally felt like there was a group of people I actually belonged to. And they all read Effing Dykes and I didn't know any of them, but that didn't matter- they existed.

All the tips she shared gave me a general idea, or let the vague ideas in my head click. Some I don't agree with and others are totally true.

Okay, I was going to look up the blogs that I found most useful and got lost in just how much I love it. So go get lost in Effing Dykes and come back and report here later. Or don't.
She educates and entertains, I get confused and try to educate myself and go a little crazy. You probably enjoy her crazy more.

Also, K.D. Lang is repeatedly singing my name right now and it's driving me crazy. She is singing directly to me. Asking me questions I would like to know the answer to. Get out of my head! Even though I'm listening to an album nearly a decade... still. (She's apparently asking herself the same questions I am, and we share the same name. Also, both lesbians. We should start a club.)

Music Reviews! Indigio Sisters (Make Me Less Blue)

This should be a nice posting about a lesbian classic movie- "Boys Don't Cry" (though it's more of a trans classic, really. Still significant to the entire LGBT world). However, netflix hates my soul and won't let me watch more than five minutes at a time before giving me weird visuals. So instead, I'm listening to lezzie music.

My guilty conscience informs me that I'm copping out by listening to a band who I already love. Not dipping my toe in the real classics, so on so forth. But now, I am. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't know I don't like it until I try it. All of it.

So now, I'm listening to Indigo Girls. I'm a fan of folksy guitar, but 90's folksy guitar, not so much. And there are a lot of albums to go through.

Am Ray and Emily Saliers in the 1980's. Bad hair, yet still hot.

A basic overview- Amy Ray and Emily Saliers met as kids and just evolved into being a band. They embrace the bluegrassy feel, especially notable in the harmonies- unique and kinda awesome. Makes me wonder if Tegan and Sara listened to a lot of Indigo Girls. Or maybe there's a requirement that all bands consisting of two lesbians is required to have cool harmonies. Hmm. Anyway, they are pretty much the first band I thought of when I thought "lesbian rockers". It's hard to look anywhere relevant to the girl-loving-girl cause and not see at least a reference to them. Active activists in many causes, and icons for the LGBT movement, Ray and Saliers are impossible to ignore.

Even though I tried because it's a cliche for the baby dyke to sit down and listen to a giant stack of Indigo Girl cds. Well, mp3s, and the stack is just a giant folder.

Album by album, here's my favorites. I can't get every album, however, but I did my best.

For the record- I'm not going to speculate on the deeper meanings of every song because that's not really what I do. I listen, I fall in love with it, and my speculations are saved for the most beloved of songs (and even then, I keep them to myself.)

Indigo Girls, 1989. "Closer Than Fine" (From what I can tell, this is their biggest hit, and I can see why- it is introspective and carefree, saying it's just life, so live it), "Tried to Be True", "Love's Recovery" (This one made me want to cry.. it's nearly a release of a lot of messed up feelings I've always had. Kind of the quintessential coming out to yourself, dealing with the haters song.)
I suffer from being young when listening to this album- all the innovation and cool contemporary rockness of it is completely lost on me. I've been hearing sounds likes this and people trying to sound like this all my life. Still, it's thoroughly enjoyable. I just wish I could feel it the way it was when it was brand new. After a couple of listens, every song on the album has a little heart next to it- I had to really think about it when choosing my very favoritist tracks. I went with the ones that made me dance the most, feel the most, or both.

Strange Fire, 1989. "Strange Fire", "Left Me a Fool", "I Don't Wanna Know"
"Left Me a Fool" is sad, sweet, a little lonesome and is smooth honey for the ears. I love it dearly. As for the rest of the album, it's very similar in tone to Indigo Girls, which makes a lot of sense- it was independently released in 1987 before their self-named album, and re-released with one less song in 1989.

Nomads Indians Saints, 1990. "Hammer and a Nail", "Keeper of My Heart", "Hand Me Downs",
Okay, I'm sorry but this album is pretty dated. It shows its age by being so... New Age Indian-y. Like if Dances With Wolves featured two lesbians instead of Kevin Costner. In touch with nature, glamorizing Native Americans and nomads, excessive pan pipes and shimmering tambourine.

Rites of Passage, 1992. "Three Hits", "Love Will Come to You", "Chickenman"
I really enjoy listening to this album because the sound is soothing- just the right amount of guitar and fiddle, and far less pan pipes. It doesn't date itself hardly at all, and "Three Hits" is probably my favorite Indigo Girl song.

Swamp Ophelia, 1994. "Language or The Kiss", "Power of Two" (Simple and sweet love song), "Touch Me Fall" (listen all the way through, there's a pretty great instrumental break)
I like a few songs on this album, but a lot of them push my limits for guitar and country vocals. I think perhaps I need a break from Indigo Girls before I can power through the last eight albums.

1200 Curfews, 1995. "Least Complicated", "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee", "Back Together Again"
This is a live album, from various performances in 1994-95. The songs I liked are songs not on the cds I've heard before. They probably are on the albums that I couldn't get.

Shaming of the Sun, 1997.  "Shed Your Skin", "Caramia" (Very cool blending of rock, rich strings, and jangly guitar),"Everything In Its Own Time"
Somehow, I ended up listening to this out of order- after Come On Now Social instead of before. Now I can see that Shaming is kind of a transitional phase between their bluegrass folk sound and their rock-bluegrass sound. As I go through and mark the songs I love, nearly all of them get their own little heart. I think this is one of their better albums.

Come On Now Social, 1999. "Go", "Sister", "Compromise"
The very first thing I noticed was that there is much more of a rock feel going on. This is probably exaggerated since the last album I listened to was live in concert, and so a lot of their earlier songs and thus, earlier sounds. But oh the sweet electric guitar! How I missed you.

Become You, 2002. "Become You", "Yield", "Bitterroot"
Weirdly, I found that some of this album reminded me of soft rock. If there's anything I didn't expect to hear out of the Indigo Girls, it was elevator music. And maybe I'm getting sick, but I'm really liking the more bluegrass/jangly guitar songs, like "Yield" and "Bitterroot".

I am envious of their cutting cheekbones. I want to be this hot in twenty years.

All That We Let In, 2004. "All That We Let In", "Dairy Queen"
All of their albums have something of a "returning home" feel to them, but this one more than the others. Unfortunately, it's also a lot more soft rock, too. Almost unbearably so. If the next album doesn't have more electric guitar, I'm blasting System of a Down until I feel better.

Rarities, 2005. "I'll Give You My Skin", "Walk Your Valley", "It Won't Take Long"
Interesting collection of unheard songs. It's definitely worth checking out. You can tell the songs and recordings span their career together, and that is a very cool touch.The three songs I chose as my favorites all have a haunting echo that makes them perfect for listening to at night.

Despite Our Differences, 2006. "I Believe in Love" (I think this would be a good make-up song after a fight), "Lay My Head Down", "They Won't Have Me"
Something I noticed immediately is the bright tempo and balanced vocals used throughout work very well on this album. This was the same year Indigo Girls featured in Pink's "Dear Mr. President" (reviewed below) and in gratitude, she sings in "Rock and Roll Heaven's Gate". I'm not as taken with it as I am with the above songs, so I didn't list it, but it deserves some kudos.

Poseidon and the Bitter Bug, 2009.  "Love of Our Lives", "Driver Education", "Fleet of Hope"
I liked this one a lot, listened to it twice before making any decisions. They have finally hit upon a perfect blend of twang, soul, rock and contemporary. I listened to all of them and not a single one put my teeth on edge. I can't say that about any other album of theirs. This is by far my favorite.


Bonus Holiday Cd! Holly Happy Days, 2010.
No. No. No. I'm sorry but I hate this album and it kills my soul. I couldn't even listen to most of them for more than thirty seconds.

Bonus guest feature- Pink (featuring Indigo Girls) "Dear Mr. President"-2006. I like the song, and it's very touching. It got a lot of points across in a very elegant way.

Fifteen albums, one post, not even counting the albums of concerts and re-releases. Whew. However, I feel an important chapter of Lesbian Knowledge is a little closer to being closed- I can officially say I've listened to Indigo Girls, and I like them, albeit on a limited basis. I'm even keeping a few songs from every album around- excepting the Christmas album because it kills my spirit.

Music Reviews- 5 Sorta Gay Songs

I'm working on a very very long review of Indigo Girls' albums. All twelve-ish of them. It's going to take me awhile, mostly because if you listen to so much of acoustic guitar rock with country vocals, it all sounds the same. Yet I didn't want to abandon the project, so I'm going to do a shorter review of a few songs from various artists. These artists are chosen because the mass quantity of their music isn't considered by the masses (read: the few blogposts on lesbian music I've found) to be all that gay-related.

Garbage, the ninety's grunge rock/pop band isn't all that gay, I've found but their music could sure trick me. Mostly because their music is pretty obsessive and intense, and seems to be a trademark of lesbian tunes. The two songs from them I'm looking at: "Androgyny" from Beautiful Garbage (2001) and "Queer" from Garbage (1995). "Androgyny" is fucking sexy, and that's about it. The chorus makes me want to whisper sexily while giving smoldering looks through heavy eyeliner. It's a very cool look at sexuality and from the comment on SongMeanings, a lot of bi kids heavily identify with it. "Queer" is much more ambiguous- it could be about being different, or about being gay. Either way, it can extend to sexuality and the pressures people are often having to deal with.
Also, Shirley Manson is incredibly hot. Just saying.

Franz Ferdinand has been a massive influence in my life and there is never going to be a time when I don't want to listen to their music. I stop talking and listen, or dance, as is called for. Magical way to make me shut up. Anyway, the best pick for a gay melody of theirs is "Micheal" about boys dancing with boys. I don't even like boys and this song turns me on. It is super sexy, and I'm listening to the album version. Live, it gets even more risque, and I bet singing and sweating to a sea of grinding hips only makes it hotter. Interesting note- There's a secret message revealed if you play the song backwards between 1:35 and 1:39 saying "She's worried about you, call your mother." They put it in because the bassist was worried about calling his mom, but he thought it was just an uplifting reminder to the fans.
The Franz Ferdinand song that means the most to me is "Katherine Kiss Me". I played it incessantly when I was deciding to come out of the closet. The thoughtful, sweet lyrics hit a chord with my unsure self. Especially "Do you ever wonder how the boy feels?" Yes. All the time. I wonder how they felt when they were kissing the girl they thought they would marry, and how they feel now they know she's a lesbian. I wonder how they feel, if they know how much it hurt to lie to them. I wonder all the time. I also wonder what my girlfriend feels when I kiss her, and what any onlookers feel. It's a natural curiosity and I love that there was a song that expressed it for me. So I sang it all the time and drove my parents mad.


Four down, one to go. Who sings a gay song and isn't? This is harder than you think- most LGBT songs are by LGBT artists, or at least artists recognized as important in the community. Hmm.

I'm bending the rules a little. Here's a band that is maybe lesbian, maybe not, and sorta kinda but not really, is for the LGBT cause. t.A.T.u. are the girls who made a big deal about being super sexy maybe lesbians maybe bi girls (the never said). The reason it's such a mixed up thing is that they allow for more coverage of lesbians in the media, but it's highly sexualized coverage- obviously marketed to straight guys. This was going on in 2002-03, when there really wasn't anything, and they were HUGE. So it was nice to see lesbians, but they weren't actually lesbians, and here they are creating this idea that lesbians are totally okay with making out in the rain for horny frat boys.
For me, I had already began questioning my sexuality at this point. I was twelve, and I was beginning to crush on girls when I knew I should be crushing on boys. When I saw t.A.T.u on MTV making out and the giant fleet of girls in boy shorts and wife beaters kissing, the light bulb clicked. Oh! I'm like them, duh. I still like them for nostalgia, though I feel their portrayal of girl-on-girl was a bit of a step back. Song wise, it's damn catchy and never ever leaves your head.

So that's five pretty gay songs  by not explicitly gay artists, and a bit of what they meant to me.

Never Never Land (Apparently appeals to lesbians?)

You may have noticed that I am a fresh-out-of-the-closet lesbian. You also may have noticed my deep and passionate love for rainbows (I have rainbow bandaids, rainbow headbands, rainbow ribbons... and all of it is because the colors are so pretty, not cuz I'm gay.) I also kind of like fairy lore, sprites and all that shit. And I love poetry.

BUT. I think it can be taken too far. And this website has done exactly that.

Never Never Land, a place for lesbians to talk and post poetry and all that good stuff. I'm fine with that. So what went wrong?

I shall make a list.

1. Pastels. Everywhere. Mostly pastel rainbows, actually. I switched to another tab and for a second, still saw the obnoxious rainbow. Beyond that, everything is a slightly nauseous shade of teal. The entire site hurts my eyes slightly, especially when you think about how few websites do traditionally gay colors all over their site. In fact, most choose a classy and modern combination of white and navy. My favorite ever-so-lezzie site Autostraddle is exactly that, and it appeals to the young fashionable youth. This color combination tends to draw in the fifty and over set.

Don't get me wrong, they deserve their own websites and everything, but can they choose colors that don't make my twenty-something eyes bleed?

2. Fairies. Why the fairies around the rainbow? It plays into the whole stereotype of lesbians as Earth Mothers, worshiping flowers and dancing like nymphs in drum circles. Again, this seems to be an old lesbo thing. I've only met a few young kids who fall into that stereotype and I kinda think they were being ironic.

3. The Poetry. I love poetry, I read it and write it and I know that I'm kind of stupid about it. I understand why they are so in love with it they have a whole page for it. In fact, the entire site seems to be lesbian-poetry themed. But it is really bad poetry, which isn't so bad, but they try so hard. I think they are missing the part about poetry flowing effortlessly out of your soul, and then edited down. Editing is key, so you have even grammar and tenses throughout your work. At least fix the obvious ones, because looking at the poems hurts my soul a little and makes my fingers itch to edit.

4. Randomly Bolded Words. Stop that. It doesn't make the site easier to read or more interesting, it just makes me want to kick you in the shins.

5. The name. Really? Never Never Land? It doesn't make that much sense. If stumbleupon hadn't personally delivered the site to me, it never would have come up under a search for lesbian support groups. It probably comes up a lot for kids doing research on Peter Pan.

I'm done now, I just had to get that out of my system. I don't approve of too much cheesiness in any website, and I never approve of bad poetry.

Music Reviews! Tegan and Sara

Well, I did a book review, so why not do music? And movies! And blogs! Hmm, how about I review as many lesbian related things I can? Fuck yes.

Of course, I'm saying this now and I'll probably have to repeat it later, but I am not going to review it in an unbiased way. I'm going to be looking at how it effected me, as a baby dyke, in my process. If it was meant to be informative, did it succeed? Was it entertaining?

I'm also going to do all the 'classics'. You know, the stuff that everyone says you're a bad gay if you haven't seen/heard/read it yet. So I'll be improving my lezzie education while figuring out how I stand on such things. For the record, I'm so not a fan of things that are gay just to be gay. It needs to have a relevance more than just being LGBT related- at least in an educational or inspirational sense.  For instance, this blog has personal relevance because it's a means for me to figure out my warped and tangled mind.

So, Tegan and Sara, lesbians and Canadian twins with a really catchy band. I'm telling you right now, if you want a good review of them that's educated on music, it's not me, it's Nash. Click his name and return here tomorrow. Bye!

If that didn't work, I'll give it a shot. I hear all the time from fellow gays how this band is such a lesbian thing to like, and if you look at personals for lesbians, they nearly always list Tegan and Sara among the top five. It seems to be the K.D. Lang of the 00's in that if you like them, you're assumed to be gay, and you're not really a lesbian unless you know the words to a song or two. The thing is, their sexuality isn't all that important, and that makes them great role models, in a sense. They're making good music, have fairly successful careers, try innovative and quirky things, and the who "lesbian identical twins" thing is a side note. No songs about it, on any album. No big deal made. Who cares?

I like that attitude. Being gay shouldn't have to define who you are, what you do, or how you do it, and they prove it.

Oops, off topic. Anywhoo.

Damn catchy songs. Try to get "Back in Your Head" out of your head. You can't. Don't even try.
My favorite songs, by album:

This Business of Art, 2000- "The First", "More For Me", "Superstar"
This entire album has a quality I really like of muttered, breathy lyrics. It's an album for a bad day, or a rainy day. Listen and feel like a disaffected youth.

If It Was You, 2002- "Living Room" (Probably because I have a secret affection for banjos and stalking songs), "Terrible Storm" (It feels like a storm, her voice as a lonesome quality I love), "Want to Be Bad" (Cool harmonies, and who doesn't want to be bad?)
I can't lie, I listened to this album and was disappointed until I found "Living Room". The above songs are the only ones I liked on the album.

So Jealous, 2004- "Take Me Anywhere", "I Know I Know I Know" (I think we all kinda identify with this song), "Walking With a Ghost"
Hmm. Not much to say- the sound makes me dance and angsty at the same time. The first two albums combined, soundwise.

The Con, 2007-"The Relief Next to Me" (There's a cool call and response thing going on), "Back in Your Head"(Their biggest hit), "Floorplan" (I sympathize), "Call It Off"
I'm pretty sure this is when they became mainstream and many hipsters cried themselves to sleep. I love this album quite a bit- I would even dare to say it's my favorite. Most of the songs have a nice blend of poignancy and bounce.

Sainthood, 2009- "Arrow", "Don't Rush", "Hell", "Northshore"
I dance in my undies to this album. Unashamedly. Okay, a little ashamedly. These last two albums are probably their best, as in more of the songs are fantastic. The first several albums have standouts, but the rest of the album is somewhat forgettable, like background to the best songs.

So there you have it. Nothing that's really all that important for LGBT issue, but great tunes. Or maybe I'm missing a hidden message... but I'm pretty sure the message is "We make good tunes, y'all."

Home is Where the Stress is

So, I'm home for the summer, and as I said in my last blog, a lot has happened. What I didn't say is just how much of that stuff is little things revolved around me being out. I knew it would suck balls, but I was concerned more about my psycho-Christian friends who are convinced gays go to hell and would try to save me. I was worried about my family's continued acceptance, and getting used to, my sexuality. But I didn't really think about how much the little things would hurt.
Last summer, this was pretty similar in that there were lots of offensive but somewhat innocent comments, but they didn't know. Now they do, and they are trying so hard that when the offensive comments happen, I can't just shut it out. And calling people on slamming you is the hardest thing to do on earth when its your sister, or you dad, and you've spent so long smiling that they don't see it's still you when you're crying.

I have long suspected, but now can prove that my sister, beloved and idolized, is a closet homophobe. Or at least super, super, uncomfortable with it and not all that willing to change. She uses "gay" to mean stupid all the time, and refuses to stop, saying its just a joke and she means nothing by it. She likes to say how she loves the gays and all, bring out me and that one gay guy everyone befriended to say they could as examples. She uses broad stereotypes and tells me all the time how I don't have to start acting like a dyke just because I like chicks. (I still dress more feminine and wear more makeup than she does, so I don't know what's so dyke about me...) Trying to call this girl out on being a bitch is impossible because everything's a joke and she's so used to charming that it's easier to let the insult slide than correct her. Insult after insult gets by, just because I'm too scared to call her out again.

My dad is much better, surprisingly. He's still "getting [my] arms around it," as he says, but the point is he's trying. He doesn't assume he knows what's up in the LGBT world, and asks me questions. Good ones, like "Who's the man?" ("Neither of us, that's just how it looks when you see a butch and a femme together. We both have a lot of feminine qualities and even some masculine ones.") "If you get married, what will you wear?" ("She'll wear what she feels most comfortable in, and I am going to wear the fluffiest dress I can find, of course." I like my dresses with extra poof!) He actually really like my girlfriend, even asking when she was coming back. He got upset when he forgot there were gay jokes in Blazing Saddles  and tried to protect me and my girl from hate when we were rolling around town. He wants me to be happy, and safe, and he free from offense. He tries almost too hard, but I'm just happy he's trying at all, and even getting more accepting that it's his little girl holding hands with the bulldyke.

My mom is the best- she's an artist, and so it was easiest for her to accept that I was a lesbian since she's been friends with gays before. It was hard for her to get used to it, and she asks a lot of questions but its a lot better than her assuming she knows all about it. Like Dad, she has a tendency to be too politically correct- when making a broad statement about relationships, she's quick to qualify that its the same with hetero and homo. I talk the most to her- with anyone else I can't talk about fights because I'm afraid that a fight with my girlfriend will make them think "Of course, I knew gays couldn't really be happy."

My best friend at home is... Well. I don't know. She was seriously questioning and closeted, now she seems to be reacting wildly against it. I mention a funny story that happened to feature two girls, and she corrected me. When I reinstated that yeah, it was a girl trying to get a girl's number, she muttered "ew". There was nobody around she could have been posturing for, so I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself she's not gay, is hurt I have found love, or what. I feel bad for her, but at the same time... I can't handle her dissing me and my relationship. However, she's starting to make an effort, so I still hope.

Actually, due to interesting developments, she gets her very own post, in a few hours.

Answering a Straight Girl's Queries

I told you she'd get her very own post, and here it is. Speaking of posts, I know I seem to be posting a lot right now, but its the best way to untangle my weary head. When home, I'm not very social- too shy to approach old friends for the most part- and I like having the time to think, sew and get all the things I'm too busy to do during school done.

Last night, we hung out, and it was unusual for us. We have a pattern, you see. She picked me up and we went to walmart for an hour or so (it is the most active hang-out in all of the midwest) and we went to her house.  Upstairs to watch a movie, lounging on her bed and eating candy with the door closed, leaving to cruise the strip and get ice cream, talking, talking, walking, talking. What shocks me (other than the conversation) is the complete lack of tension.

Last year, before I came out and there was some questioning of hers (on her part),  there was so much tension, you could have cut it with a butter knife. We watched movies together, all the time, but we moved to the living room instead of her room. We avoided driving at night, and movie theaters. When we watched gay films, I made a conscious effort to remind myself I had a boyfriend. All of this was done by mutual and unspoken agreement. When I came out as bi, not much changed. Now I'm all the way out- and very happily taken, everything has changed.

I don't want her. And she seems to have stopped questioning her sexuality, and settled into "single and straight."

So onwards about our slightly shocking conversation. I straight up said, "You know, if you have questions about me being gay, you can ask. It doesn't bother me." That's half true- sometimes those questions can be offensive, but I much rather clear the air than have hazy speculation and confusion taint the air. Lo and behold, Ms. Biffle had TONS of questions.

"So did you [and your girlfriend] have sex? Was it good?" Oh hell yes.
"How does that... erm... work?" I nearly asked if she had her eyes closed during the sex scenes in But I'm a Cheerleader, but I didn't. I wiggled my fingers and waggled my tongue while laughing. It seemed pretty obvious to me- even as a wee little closet case who didn't do searches on lesbian porn, I knew how it worked. When she looked at me all confused, I explained that we used fingers and tongue. "That's all?" Yup. Now I realize that she was probably wondering about scissoring, but let's face it, that only works if you're A) super skinny B) super sensitive and C) Not interested in your partner's boobs or kisses. It's pretty much just a fantasy. (Yes, I've heard of some girls who swear by it, but I've never met them.)

"But how's that real sex? I mean, there's no penis!" Ooh shit. I never know how to say it, or if I should even try to convince the believers of "No Penis, Not Real Sex" that if is very, very real sex. Do I say it's real to me? That I don't like dick, so this is better than "real" sex? I went with "Well, Biffle, it's as close to your definition of real sex as I want to get." Still bothers me. Lesbian sex is real. There's pleasure and orgasms. There's love and lust and 'penetration'. Maybe someday, she'll get it. Or not. Whatever.

"How are your parents taking it?" That one makes me happy. She wasn't just satisfying curiosity, she gives a damn about how coming out actually affects me and my family. Same with questions about how I'm doing with discrimination, and whether there's a gay community here. She was surprised that I've had very few problems, and those only with frat boys, and more surprised that there's a bunch of ze fags in a medium sized midwestern town, but no real community.

Like my sister said- "Around here, folks don't care who you fuck, as long as they aren't black or Mexican."
(True, and still pretty sad.)
She should also add that as long as you don't want more rights, you're fine.

The big question- "Are you happy?" This is big because it really is the most important. Am I happy being an open lesbian here? Am I happy not pretending, and not being with boys? Am I happy feeling a little lost and a little hopeless? Honestly, yes. Of course. I love someone who loves me for who I am. I love getting to figure out who I am. I don't have to pretend anymore, or not as much. There's  bad times, there's confusion, there's a lot of problems, but there always was. Just now, I can figure it out better. I didn't say all that, though. I just said yes, I'm very happy. Maybe I should have said more, maybe not.

Another biggie- "Do you think you two will last?" Actually yes. I've lied about every relationship in the past, convincing myself that I could do it, be with a guy, I could force love to exist. But I don't have to try. I just am in love and happy. I can safely think we'll stay together, and when we talk about it, I don't wonder if its a lie. If it doesn't last, I won't regret being with her. But I feel it will. I know it's real. I thought before answering, and carefully said that I feel it will, because I don't have to try and convince myself I love her.

Ms. Biffle then did something very surprising- she gave an expected time before we get married. I laughed- I think three years is a little soon, personally. Plus weddings take a while to plan. But she stands by it. I don't know, maybe she knows something I don't. I'm glad we talked, and I'm glad we opened that avenue of conversation.

For all we say we're bffs and what not, we've never been the kind to confide in each other. It's changing, now. Which is good. She needs someone to talk to, and sometimes, so do I. I have a lot of best friends, it seems, but geographical distance matters more than anyone really wants to admit.

I Wanna Dance Where the Fags Dance

I hate to admit it, but as a new gay in a town where such things are both kinda accepted and kinda hated, I'm feeling lonely. I see the lesbians and gays, everywhere. There's so many baby dykes that your head would spin- and there's also a lot of established gays too. But there's nowhere to go, no way to hang out or meet new people, no support system whatsoever. Since I left this place for college, the attitude has changed massively- it's not so scary to be gay here as it used to be. I held hands and pecked my girlfriend's cheek in public the entire time she was here and all we got was a couple of sideways looks. No comments, no outward hate. Gays are even more visible- there's rainbow flags in a couple of places, and like I said, nobody seems to be hiding all that much, not like I did (though that was mostly my own hate). So why isn't there anywhere to go?

This isn't the first time I've thought this. I want to start a place where people can be, I don't know, people? I want to start a business (preferably bakery or book store) full of comfy places to sit and relax. An apartment where people can stay if they need a place. No cares if you're gay, straight, pregnant, scared, the only exception if you are starting any kind of hate, you leave. I want to have an arcade beside it, connected, and dances could be there as well. I want to dream big and maybe see it happen. But I know that if I did start such a thing here, I'd have to stay. I can't start a safe place and leave for school, for the east coast. I have to stick with it, but I hate this place. If I did, though, maybe I wouldn't hate this place. Maybe I could make it nice to live in, safe.

Or maybe I'm insane and need to think everything out. Gah. I just want to be able to do something in a place that needs it. There's nowhere to hang for a 65 mile radius here, no coffee shops, bars, clubs, centers, nothing. I want to up the number to one, that's all.

Book Review! Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters

I like to read and I like to bore people to death by passionately analyzing what I'm reading.
Bitches, I have a blog. I can bore the empty nothingness and there ain't nuthin it can do about it. (And for the one person who read this far, hello!) In keeping with the theme of said blog, I'm going to review/analyze/whatever about LGBT books. Or books that are interesting and possibly can be related to gayness.

Today's book is Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters, who has written several other books, including Define "Normal". I include that one because I seem to know a lot of girls who say that book ended up meaning a lot to them (myself included). The story is about two girls, one who is very openly gay named Cece and the other who's so in the closet she hasn't even admitted it to herself yet, Holland.

I so didn't want to read this, but my girl wanted me to. Puppy eyes and everything. I didn't want to because I hate tragic lesbian love stories. The title has the word "secret" so I knew there would be lots of sad moments, and there was. Still, I kinda love the book.
The story gets angsty at times, but that makes sense. Teenage girls are made mostly of angst, and our protagonist- viewpoint, no less- is seventeen, eighteen. (Honestly, I'm pretty angsty so I can't bitch.) I love that it showed her crushing in a normal way, and that all the characters were realistically portrayed. The parents covered a broad range of reactions- and then the way the adults handled the shock (initial reaction, recovery) was so real that I cried. Basically, everyone is confused, and isn't it so? I also liked the sensuality of the kissing scenes- not many authors can sprinkle in romance without getting all skanky. Those not interested in lesbian sex won't be icked out at all. Unless they don't like kisses, in which case, why are you reading a lesbo blog?

I'm not a huge fan of sudden intense love in teen books, because I sometimes fear that girls will take it a little too seriously and not try to develop relationships unless the other person can only breathe for them. Or maybe its just that it reminds me a little of Twilight.

I both like and dislike how edumacation was done- We have a classic cabbage head (Holland) who is satisfied to have everything about lingo, protecting yourself from hate, how to come out and where to go for help explained to her and the audience by the knowledgeable pro (Cece) . I like that there's that information- in some ways I wish I could have found that before I came out, and it has some of the most important things to know, like always being the first person to tell your parents. Unfortunately, that couple of chapters is a little preachy. Ideally, I wish those pieces could be put on a page all together so when you Google "coming out tips" it would come up- that would have been wonderful for me, because I ended up just winging it. (Worked for me, though.)

It's predictable, heartbreaking, but Secret is also well-written and hits waaay closer to home than maybe I would have liked. Read if you feel like you might need a good cry, and probably don't read it in the space of six hours (like I did). If you like it, read her other work, if you don't like it. . . Welp, oops.

Keeping You a Secret, Julie Anne Peters

Epiphany (I'm an Idiot for not figuring it sooner)

Sometimes, you can be doing nothing, or very little, and realizations plague you incessantly. Other times, you can feel the bile building in your throat as you slowly ease towards something that was a long time coming, and completely unavoidable and entirely necessary. Last night I had a realization of the latter kind. No, that's the wrong word. I accepted it, and realized I needed to accept it. I finally made my first baby step at moving past it.

I should've known, and maybe I did. It's obvious, when you go to great lengths to hide a major part of yourself, even change that part, that you hate it. You hate you. I hated me. All parts of me, not just the gay bits, and it wasn't because I'm gay- I hated me because I couldn't live up to all the expectations I had put in front of myself. I can't be skinny, or beautiful or wise. I can't say all the right things at precisely the right time, and I can't be calm and cool and confident. I can't be straight. I knew that, but I still told myself that maybe if I tried a little harder, I could get a little bit closer and maybe people would like me. Well, that's bullshit. I know it is. I always did, but now I've finally accepted that I just can't be what I used to say I could be.

Maybe I haven't completely made amends. I still can't love my self, and I can't be confident or proud, but hey, I hate me a lot less. I used to hate myself for not being good enough, and I hated myself for trying to be good enough, for hiding, for not being strong, but once I cut that out, maybe I've got a chance at it.

Being a lesbian isn't my defining characteristic, but it is unavoidably important, to me and to everyone else. I'm still figuring out what that importance means. It means I have to be careful in what I do, because I don't want to be pegged as only being an LGBT writer. It means I spend a lot of time explaining that rainbows are pretty and I like them for the color, not just because I'm gay. But, it also means I can kiss my girlfriend and not be ashamed or slightly icked out like I was with the boys. I can relax into a skin that I'm still growing. I can figure out what I want from life and get used to proving that I'm a girl who's gay, not just a gay girl.

Of course I will do it in the quiet barely noticeable way I do anything that matters to me, but hey, at least I'm beginning to try.

Keeping [My Passionate Love of Plaid] a Secret

Wow, so I have disappeared for the last couple of months. They've been busy months too.
I met The One I Actually Like (who I call Jo on here) in person, and we had a great weekend. Fantastic, actually. We became an Official Couple (because Facebook Official is the only kind). A couple more months went by and we got even closer, until she visited me in my home state two weeks ago.
For the record, that's a five hour flight and two layovers she went to, coming and going, just to see me for eight days, not a two hour drive. We did pretty much all the sights a nerdy lesbian couple could safely see in this state. We've had issues, we've worked them out, we've realized that a lot of the issues are directly linked to my Issues.
But!
Thrilling as all that was- and let me tell you, there's some great stories- that's not what reminded me that I have a blog. No, what reminded me was a growing pile of things, tipped off by one book, Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters. I love her work, Define "Normal"  came at a point in my life when I was asking the same exact question. But I was reluctant to open this book because its... well, its just so gay.


Actually, I mean lesbian. Tragic, forbidden love is a heavy focus, same things all over again. I'm sorry, but I hate these things. I still haven't gotten past the third chapter (put it down to write, actually), but that's not really the reason. Two things: I'm tired of reading/watching/hearing about how tortured lesbians are. It's not what I need right now, honestly. I'm still in the hating-myself-for-being-gay thing. I'm dealing with prejudice on a daily basis, usually from well-meaning people who don't get that I'm not a stereotype, and the other gays in town hate me, for some unknown reason. I guess I'm not gay enough, but whatever. I don't want to hear about tragic lovers, I don't need to hear that other girls have it as bad or worse as me, because I get it. It doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse because I can't do much about anything right now, even though I'm trying, and I disagree with some actions others take to spread awareness. I need happy gay stories. I need stories where it doesn't matter if its two guys, two girls, or a boy, a girl, and a wombat. I need hope, goddamnit, and it's hard to feel hopeful when secrecy is in the title.

Actually, that's why I like Bad Girl so much. It may be a sometimes clumsily written erotica, but the relationships and coming out is treated in a normal way. It isn't downplayed as nothing, but its not a giant dramatic heartbreaking affair either. It's what I needed to hear when I was coming out.

Thing 2: Coming out stories... This is less a problem with the book and more a problem with me. I.. I don't really have one. Not in the traditional sense. Not like, "I kissed a girl and realized I might be a homosexual." Or falling in love and getting a crush before realizing you might be a lesbo. I just kinda... knew, I guess. I saw beautiful women on tv and movies and thought, damn. I don't just want to be them, I want to be with them. I was way more attracted to them than the men, and when I realized that I was salivating over Angelina Jolie instead of George Clooney, it clicked. I was twelve. I hadn't kissed anyone, or dated anyone.
It almost bothers me because I know very few gays (and no lezzies) who knew they were gay without kissing someone. But even that is what bothers me. The real problem is that I faked it, went along with the lie because I was so terrified of being imperfect in anyone's eyes. I faked having crushes. I faked having my heart broken. I dated, flirted, kissed, and never girls. I did everything I could to hide my rampant crushes on girls, pretending to like their male friends (usually gay, btw) so it wouldn't be weird if someone saw me looking their way. I was damn good at it. I told myself that it was okay, that I would be fine, and I tried so hard to like boys. I really did. I even convinced myself I was bi. But let's tell the truth- I was only bi for the really, really, hot guys. The ones my girlfriend admires- that kind of hot.
Why did I do it? I nearly killed myself, hiding, and I didn't just hide liking chicks- I covered anything that might give me away. I got good at dancing the line of "all for the gays but TOTALLY NOT ONE, OKAY, I AM SOOO STRAIGHT." And now, I'm having to relearn how to be me. I'm trying all the hobbies I gave up. I'm fighting people who say that's not who I am, whether they be the ones that aren't used to me being gay, or used to me liking the dykish hobbies that I've loved so secretly.
So yeah, I fucked up. I hate myself for hiding, but it couldn't be helped. I wish I wasn't one of those who knew and hid. I wish I had been one of those who suddenly realized after a forbidden kiss. I wish I knew of more chicks like me, but I don't.

Well that got heavy. From my reluctant reading of Keeping You a Secret to keeping my passionate love of plaid and building things a secret.
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